These are colloquially known as the 4 “c’s” of 21st-century school education, however, today we’re going to use them to discuss the areas that you need to focus on to create a healthy relationship.
Right, so this is the first step to consider before you even think of getting into a relationship.
Men fall in love much faster than women do.
Most men, they see a pretty face and nice perky body and they’re all in. They ignore all the warning signs all the red flags in pursuit of gaining access to that physically attractive girl. They want access to that girl's body at all costs.
Do not be one of these guys.
As harsh and crass as this proverb of “behind every beautiful woman is a man who is tired of her shit”, there’s a hell of a lot of truth to it.
Beauty is really only skin deep, and if you’re looking to find a lifelong partner, well then you’ve got to train yourself to be able to look past her physical appearance and see the person she really is.
When you’re hanging out with her, mindfully observe her behaviour. Is she respectful to the staff at restaurants? Is she considerate of others? Does she seem genuinely interested in what you’re saying? Does she have a healthy group of friends? What’s her relationship like with past boyfriends and her parents?
These are the things you have to be paying attention to when you’re assessing whether someone is a good relationship prospect.
Also, just as a side note with all this, be aware of coaches telling you what to think with women. I think there is a HUGE difference between coaches who try to teach you HOW to think versus coaches who tell you WHAT to think.
There are coaches on youtube who have a tendency to project their own personal values upon you, like for example they tell you that ALL single mothers or girls with tattoos are completely undateable, don’t waste your time with them and only date girls from eastern Europe or Asia because they're different, they’re more feminine and all that stuff.
And before you get your knickers in a twist, I’m not saying that these guys are objectively wrong. They have obviously had experiences with single mums and girls with tattoos that have caused them to think that way, so absolutely their version of reality is extremely valid to them in particular and I appreciate anyone who has the balls to get online and share their relationship experiences with complete strangers.
But ultimately that’s their reality, not yours. It’s one person's opinion, that’s all. In order to make the best decisions you need multiple sources of information and then you’re free to come up with your own conclusion on the issue and live your life accordingly.
I’m not here to force you to take on my values here. It’s totally your decision if you want to listen to what I’ve got to say. But I would most certainly urge anyone whose watching this video to go and watch heaps of other videos from different people on the topic, maybe even some videos that challenge your current perspective, therefore you can develop a more holistic understanding of the topic before making a decision on it.
Now, this is something I think is particularly important in a relationship, you need to develop your ability to communicate your needs effectively in a relationship.
Most toxic behaviour in relationships stems from the partner's inability to communicate their needs or express vulnerability effectively.
Take passive-aggressive behaviour for example. The reason passive-aggressive behaviour happens in relationships is that the person believes that if they state their needs openly and directly, they will be rejected. So instead they act if a manner that hopefully gives their partner the message that somethings is not right. They’re deferring responsibility for their emotions onto their partner, their partner has to “read their mind” and figure out what's wrong. It’s bullshit!
So, firstly, being able to get in touch with your emotions so you can figure out exactly what you’re feeling to start off with, and then being able to articulate how you're feeling to your partner in an open honest way is extremely important to the health of your relationship.
Also, in many of my videos, I state the importance of being able to read the subtext of any conversation. Like, what is the real message that’s trying to be conveyed behind the mere words that are being said.
Women are, in general, a hell of a lot more attuned and sensitive to the subtext of a conversation than men are, they don’t take things at their face value they’re always looking for the “hidden meaning” behind what you’re saying. That’s why you hear a lot of girls say that they wish they could not be so much in their head all the time…
However, because they’re so attuned to the subtext of conversation, women tend to use a lot of subtexts when they’re speaking. So for example, have you ever got a massive text message from a girl and you sit there staring at it for ages going “what the hell is she talking about?” She’s just sort of vomited out all of her feelings in a text message and she just sort of hopes you’ll get the message.
That’s why women can seem so damn confusing at times. One of my exes used to get upset because never fill up the jug of water in the fridge, and I’d be like “why are you getting so pissed off? Just fill it back up yourself”.
And she’d get furious. But it was because, in her eyes, I was communicating that I didn’t care about her, I didn’t care about the relationship. That was the subtext.
So learn to decipher subtext within a conversation guys…
Women and men are 2 sides of the same coin. We are here to compliment one another's lives, not compete with one another.
I think, now more than ever, that message needs to be spread.
The whole idea of finding a long term partner is to get the best teammate you can get so you can win at this game of life.
They have a set of skills and qualities that cover your own deficiencies in some areas and vice versa.
You don’t need someone that is the same as you, you don’t need a female doppelganger. You need a partner who's good at stuff that you’re not so good at.
I think many people make the mistake of finding someone who has the same hobbies or even worse, works in the same field as they do and at first they think “great, we’ve got so much in common!” then down the road, they find themselves competing with their partner. They’re no longer teammates, they’re the opposition.
They find themselves getting resentful of their partner's achievements because they might’ve felt as though their partner's achievements were at the expense of their own dreams and over time they lose the interdependence aspect of their relationship, they lose connection with their partner fall into this model of two completely emotionally independent people living together but not really supportive of or connected at all. That’s where you hear couples say that they just feel like housemates now.
So it’s important to always consider your relationship as a collaboration of two interdependent (not co-dependent, there’s a big difference here) people are there to support one another mentally, emotionally and financially.
You have to always be dating your partner guys. The courtship never ends.
The fact of the matter is you can never relax in a relationship, you can’t
I discussed this with Richard Cooper from Entrepreneurs in cars during an interview for my book Here Be Dragons.
As shitty as this sounds, It is your job as a man, to keep the fire going in the relationship. IF you want ongoing access to your partners punany, you must put in the effort to keep things interesting.
In a romantic relationship, your primary job is to remain fuckable. She must do so primarily by maintaining her physical looks for as long as possible and your job is to basically take care of everything else.
I know this doesn’t sound very fair and that’s probably why so many guys are choosing to “go their own way” these days, but hey, I’m just the messenger, I didn’t write the rules.
People are weird creatures. We crave stability and routine whilst at the same time yearn for novelty.
It’s your job as the man in the relationship to get this balance right.
So, if you’ve got any questions about the 4 “c’s” and how to apply them then get in touch with me, I’m available for coaching if you’d like. Also, feel free to check out my books if you’d like, all the links to my resources are available in the description below, but anyway thanks for reading and I’ll see you again shortly. Cheers!