The most popular question that I get from people who know me is how did I manage to have a relatively hassle and drama free divorce.
So, for some context for those who are new to the channel, I’ve been divorced since 2016 and my divorce was a hell of a lot easier and cheaper than most peoples.
· I’m still good friends with my ex wife
· I share 50% custody of my daughter
· My total lawyers’ fees were $300
You could say I got the best possible outcome out of a situation that leaves a hell of a lot of people in ruins by the end of it.
And now I run a coaching business that helps men navigate themselves through the divorce process and find meaning in their life afterwards.
Now, like most divorces, the circumstances around how it all came about was extremely complicated and mine was no different, and obviously the details are private and something I’m not willing to share on YouTube.
But there were some general things that I believe contributed to the favourable outcome I got during the proceedings that could be applied to anyone either currently going through a divorce or thinking about getting divorced.
So, these are the 7 things that I believe contributed the most to achieving a drama free divorce
1. I vetted my wife for a long time before I married her. Dated for 2 years before moving in. Lived with one another for 5 years before marrying her
a. I didn’t know anything about the Red Pill. I hadn’t read any books. This just felt like the right thing to do.
b. You don’t know what someone is truly like until you’ve witnessed how they deal with prolonged stress. That’s when their true colours shine.
c. There’s actually a lot of truth in that whole feminist meme “if you can’t love me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my best”. It’s true! If you turn into a fucking nutbag when you’re under stress, then it’s probably best that I stay the hell away from you and not marry you.
d. I see so many people, including my friends, rushing into marriage and not giving the idea of legally binding yourself to another human being, supposedly for the rest of your life, the serious contemplation it deserves. It’s one of the biggest and most serious decisions you can make in your entire life, yet so many people have this “lets just do it and see how it goes” mentality.
e. I would suggest to anyone out there, men and women, to Read Dr Shawn T Smiths book “A Tactical Guide to Women”. You might’ve heard of the dark triad of personality types, which are narcissism, Machiavellianism, and psychopathy. Dr Shawn Smith has come up with what he refers to as “Bright Triad”. So, theses a re personality traits that are favourable that you should be looking for in a partner. And these are clarity, maturity and stability. And my ex wife exhibited strong signs of all three. I unknowingly followed the laid out in Dr Shawn Smiths book, and I really think that when it came to getting divorced, the quality of the person you’re divorcing is going to be the biggest factor with regards to how drama filled or drama free it’s going to be for you.
2. We both wanted to get out of the relationship at the same time.
a. We both called it quits together. The relationship had gotten stale and we both wanted to move on and potentially see other people.
b. One of us wasn’t hanging on while the other wanted out. So, there was less of a feeling of being rejected by the other and more of a feeling of working together towards a new goal
c. We got out before we started hating one another.
d. Now I’m not encouraging anyone to get divorced at the drop of a hat. But I think it’s also important to realise when you’re beating a dead horse and are just staying in it for selfish reasons or the fear of being alone or whatever. I think a lot of people stay married far longer than what is healthy to all parties, and the resentment just builds up like a volcano. And now the two parties involved just want to hurt each other as much as possible.
3. Emotional self-control – both of us.
a. Generally, what happens when one party feels rejected by the other. Because rejection generally leads to obsession.
b. So, nobody did anything weird or creepy or abusive, like leave a million messages on the other persons phone, or cut up the other persons clothes or throw paint all over the other persons car. Or stalking the ex-wife.
c. Look, don’t get me wrong, there were tough times, especially when it came to dividing our assets. And there were times that I felt like throwing her over the balcony. But you just have to suck it up and remain diplomatic. Because there was a bigger picture to think about.
d. Folks, never leave the marital home!!!! When the wife calls for a separation guys just seem to go “okay, guess I better leave the house I helped pay for”. It puts you at a major disadvantage strategically. You’re giving up free access to your kids etc, you lose control over what’s happening in the home, how the moneys being spent….
e. I know it’s hard to live with someone who you might despise, but consider the big picture whenever you feel like you can’t stand it any longer. You’ll be better off in the long term the more control you can maintain during the breakup.
f. If you can’t stand the site of her, or him, like maybe they’re trying to rub your nose in it or provoke you by inviting their new boytoy or girl over, just move to the other side of the house or something. but don’t react, and don’t move out, until you have a signed separation agreement or a shared custody order if you have kids. It also stops any kind of parental alienation from happening, if you’ve got kids, where one parent starts brainwashing the kids into believing the other parent is useless or doesn’t love them or whatever.
4. I think the idea of picking your battles comes into play here. If you’re angry, you’re going to try and win every fight out of shear spite.
a. The point I’m trying to make here is avoid making the other party go into survival mode.
b. People generally start acting badly when they go into survival mode. If they feel like they’re going to lose everything if they don’t turn up the aggression or fight harder. It’s this feeling of fearing that “if I don’t do something drastic, I’m going to lose everything” that needs to be avoided or nullified by conceding in areas of lesser importance. If one side feels like they’re losing all the time, or they’re in danger of losing out big time, (and remember that 70% of women report having low self-esteem, low confidence, and problems with insecurity), then their gonna start behaving poorly or not playing by the rules and they’ll start throwing around accusations of being abused or assaulted or whatever. They’ll start acting like a cornered animal, and they’ll do whatever it takes to survive. It’s this feeling that has to be reduced by perhaps giving in a little.
5. We avoided using lawyers
a. Lawyers just want you to fight. They actively manipulate you into fighting with your ex-spouse. They’re should be avoided at all costs. Everything in the movies and in the media about how divorce lawyers being disgusting people are absolutely true. In fact, I’ll tell you a story. After I got divorced, I did some part time uber driving to make ends meet. I picked up this trio of divorce lawyers, who were off to a horse racing event. I had to listen to them joke about their clients and brag about how much money they were extracting from their clients for 45 minutes. I made sure I gave them 1 star. They’re the scum of the earth.
b. The lines of communication were kept open and we negotiated directly with one another. I know this can be extremely hard for some couples, especially if there’s been abuse involved or someone’s had an affair or someone’s a narcissist. But, even if you need a mediator to get involved, don’t leave the house because you lose contact with the other person. All the problems that we experienced during our divorce came from the lawyers meddling, and there was even a point where my ex wife was defending me to her lawyer and refusing to sign off on some of the demands the lawyer was trying to get her to fight me on, because she knew they were completely unreasonable.
c. Lawyers do not have your best interests at heart. Why would they???
6. We kept the energy levels in the house low while we were going through the divorce.
a. This sounds weird, but what I mean by this is we didn’t have any massive fights where we were throwing shit at each other or screaming at each other. We tried our best to keep it all very civil and chilled.
b. No decisions were made while there were high emotions running.
c. There were other family members who were losing the plot and wanting to cause drama, but we just distanced ourselves from these people as best we could.
d. Anything or anyone who wasn’t conducive to a peaceful environment was removed or placed at a distance.
e. Because it was tough enough already.
7. We kept a mutual respect for one another
a. To be honest I think a lot of this respect came from a mutual understanding that, if provoked, the other person was intelligent and cunning enough to make life very difficult for you.
b. You don’t want to poke the bear
c. So, there was no cheap shots, no intentional antagonization of the other person. We had disagreements, which would get frustrating, but we weren’t giving each other shit for the sake of riling each other up.