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8 Steps to take when she wants you to “just be friends”

So you’ve met the girl of your dreams, you’ve taken her out showed her a great time, you can feel there’s chemistry. Then from out of nowhere she drops the bombshell “I’ve got a lot going on right now and I don’t really want to get into a relationship with anyone, can we just be friends?”. This good sir, is a gut punch. But fear not, it’s not over yet for you! In this video we’re gonna talk about what to do when she’s told you she “just wants to be friends”.

(cue intro)

Hi folks Stuart here with Communicate with Confidence, I’m a life, relationship and communication coach and I help my clients build better relationships with the people around them, and on my videos I share tips and strategies to boost your skill at communicating effectively with your boss, partner, spouse or even with yourself. So if you’re new here, consider subscribing. I’ve got an email from a client here, who’s agreed to let me use for this video. So, let’s get into it.

Dear Stuart.

Thanks so much for all your help so far. Your insights are proving invaluable, and I’m trying as best as I can to practice the things you’re teaching me. It’s hard sometimes, but I’m gonna keep working on it.

I had a situation come up with a girl I’ve recently met. I met her online and she’s really hot! We went out for a date, which for the most part seemed to go quite well. She did however mention that she was still in the process of getting over an ex, who she had broken up with about 2 months ago. (Uh oh!) Anyway, besides this we had a good time. We even had to be kicked out of the bar because we were the last ones in there. That’s a pretty good sign right? (It certainly is…). While we went for a walk after dinner I initiated some physical contact. Nothing sleazy, just an arm on her shoulder, or an arm behind her back. She didn’t say anything, but her body language stiffened up and she looked like she was getting uncomfortable with me touching her so I stopped (Good!)

I dropped her off at her house and drove home. Nothing happened apart from a quick hug. I think she felt a bit awkward about everything. By the time I’d got home she’d sent me a message thanking me for a great night, but she added that her boundaries need to be respected as she’s still going through a healing process with her past breakup. She also mentioned that she would like to just start off being friends first.

I’m really not sure what I should do in this situation. I really like this girl. I know it’s only early days, but she ticks a lot of my boxes in the looks and personality department. Do you think I should ignore the bit about boundaries and just keep going as though nothing happened? Kinda play it light hearted? That’s my guess here. What do you think coach?

Ok, so I’m going to assume you want more than a friendship with this girl. And the main problem was with her discomfort with you touching her. Generally, I’d advise moving onto to someone else more open to dating you normally, however it sounds like you really like this person.

Dating someone who’s just gotten out of a relationship with someone else, who’s feelings are still raw from the breakup, is not the easiest thing. Emotionally they’re going to be all over place, and up and down like a roller coaster. One minute they’ll be totally into you and wanting all of your attention, next thing they’ve gone silent on you and stop returning your calls / text etc.

The important thing is to stay calm and be patient with them. You have to be the mountain that withstands the storm.

So, what do you do in this particular situation:

1. First of all, acknowledge her feelings and the discomfort she felt. Then tell her that you “understand that breakups are difficult and painful, and that getting back into the dating game is scary, because getting your heart broken sucks!”. And CALL HER, don’t text. Texting is a terrible way to communicate in this situation as it’s hard to convey empathy effectively just through the written word. Picking up the phone and calling her also shows her that you care enough to go out of your way for her AND has the added benefit that in her eyes you’ve had the balls to contact her to discuss something unpleasant. You’ve shown “courage in the face of danger”, and that’s very attractive to her.

2. Communicate, in a soft and loving manner, your intent. That you find her incredibly attractive and you don’t just want a friendship with her. Not in a supplicating, over complimentary manner. But tell her what you like about her. Communicate what’s in your heart. If you’re nervous, tell her you’re nervous. Communicating your feelings is not weak, like other pick up and dating coaches might tell you. The fact that you’re calling her DESPITE being nervous shows her your bravery. Believe it or not, the VAST majority of guys out there aren’t able to communicate what they actually want and how they feel effectively. It’s a massive problem that girls have with guys, them not being able to communicate their wants and needs. If you have this ability, you’ll stand head and shoulders above other guys. NOT IN A NEEDY WAY


4. It’s important to remember that you’re not trying to lock her down into a relationship and you’re some some psycho whos fallen in love with her in 5 mins. Most women will assume that you immediately want to get into a serious relationship with them right from the start. This will make them fearful of losing their freedom. At this stage all you’re trying to do get them to be open to the idea of going on a couple casual dates and seeing where things go.

5. She will probably try to get you to agree to go along with just being friends for the time being. You can agree to take it slow, however it’s important to reiterate that you’re not interested in being just friends with her. If she’s older or has relationship experience, and she’s looking for more than a hook up she going to test your commitment to see if you're going to stick around.

6. Btw, you’re not giving her an ultimatum here. You’re communicating your clear intent, and if she chooses to keep hanging out with you, she’s aware your goal is to ultimately sleep with her, not to play scrabble. However, if she declines your offer, and says she really sees you only as “friend material”, then YOU MUST STAND YOUR GROUND. DO NOT CAPITULATE TO BEING FRIENDZONED! This is harder than it sounds and takes a great deal of emotional self-control. But if you allow her to place you in the friendzone, then you’re screwed. And being in the friendzone is torture when you like someone. Imagine having to hang around her while she’s kissing her new boyfriend in front of you. I’ve been there, it hurts like hell. Better to walk away from her offer, letting her know that if she ever changes her mind, she knows how to get in contact with you.

7. This is a strange one, but it’s important while this is all happening that you give her the feeling that she has the freedom to say “No” to you. This doesn’t mean literally saying to her “You can say no to me if you like”. What I mean by this is that she has to feel like you’re not going to lose your shit if she rejects your offer. This is done through your voice tone over the phone. Maintain a calm and lighthearted manner. Coming off as desperate at this stage will only drive her away

8. Lastly, in any follow up dates, continue to be flirtatious with her. If you start acting like a friend around her, she will see you as just a friend, THEN YOU WILL GET FRIENDZONED!

And that’s it! So, acknowledge her feelings, act in accordance with what your heart desires, communicate your intent clearly, allow her to choose you freely and have the guts to walk away from an offer that doesn’t suit you.

So, if you like what you've read in this blog and you want to know more about how I can help you create more fulfilling and meaningful relationships in your life just click the link below which will take you straight to my Contact Me page where you can email me for an initial free consultation. Thank you for reading ands I’ll see you next time.

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