Ever have someone break up with you that you were madly infatuated with? After the breakup, did you have these incredible urges to know what she was doing, where she was going, and who she was seeing? Well if this has happened to you, chances are you had the potential to become a stalker.
Gday folks I’m Stuart from communicate with confidence and in today’s video we’re going to learn how seemingly normal guys can turn into full blown stalkers after a breakup, and what you can do to overcome these urges if you find yourself feeling like you need to go hide in the bushes to spy on your ex. So, if you’re new to the channel please consider subscribing. And if you’d like personal relationship coaching from me anywhere in the world see the link below in the description.
But anyway, on with the video.
So, there’s many different types of stalking, and for those of you who are interested in learning more about the different types I’ll put a link to my blog in the details below. But for the purpose of this video, I’m going to concentrate on what psychologists refer to as the “rejected stalker”.
What’s a Rejected Stalker?
Motivation: This type of stalker begins to stalk after their partner (romantic or close friendship) has ended their relationship or indicates that they intend to end the relations. They basically want to be in a relationship with the victim again or perhaps even seek revenge on the victim. The stalker's goals may vary, depending on the responses of the survivor.
Personality: This type of stalker may have high levels of narcissism and jealousy. They may also have feelings of humiliation, over-dependence or co-dependence issues and/or poor social skills and a resulting poor social network.
Stalking Behaviours: This type of stalker is often the most persistent and intrusive type of stalker and is more likely to employ intimidation and assault in pursuit of their survivor. A history of violence in the relationship with the partner is not uncommon.
Duration and Criminality: This type of stalker is typically the most resistant to efforts aimed at ending their stalking behaviour.
(OTHER TYPES OF STALKERS NOT COVERED IN THE VIDEO)
Motivation: This stalker wants to frighten or distress their survivor and often stalks their survivor to get revenge against someone who has upset them. This type of stalker views their survivor as being similar to those who have oppressed or humiliated them in the past and may view themselves as a survivor striking back against an oppressor.
Personality: This type of stalker is often irrationally paranoid.
Survivor Characteristics: This type of stalker often stalks survivors that may have upset them directly or are representative of a group at which they are upset. The survivor may be someone that the stalker knows or a complete stranger.
Stalking Behaviour: This type of stalker can be the most obsessive and enduring type of stalker. This type of stalker is most likely to verbally threaten their survivor and is one of the least likely to physically assault their survivor.
Duration and Criminality: This type of stalker is likely to stop stalking if confronted with legal sanctions early on. The longer the stalking continues, the less effective legal sanctions are likely to be.
Motivation: This type of stalker stalks their survivor as part of a plan to attack them, usually sexually, and is motivated by the promise of sexual gratification and power over the survivor.
Personality: This type of stalker often has poor self-esteem, poor social skills (especially in romantic relationships), and may have lower than normal intelligence.
Survivor Characteristics: This type of stalker may stalk someone they know or a complete stranger.
Stalking Behaviours: This type of stalker usually does not harass or try to contact their survivor while they are stalking. This type of survivor may engage in behaviours such as: surveillance of the survivor, obscene phone calls, exhibitionism, fetishism, and voyeurism.
Duration and Criminality: This type of stalker may stalk for a shorter period of time than other types of stalkers and has a higher potential to become physically violent with the survivor.
Motivation: This type of stalker seeks to establish an intimate, loving relationship with the survivor and may believe that the survivor is in love with them. This is a delusion. The stalker believes that the survivor may be the only person who can satisfy their desires and sees the survivor as an ideal partner. The stalker may interpret any kind of response from the survivor, even negative responses, as encouragement and may believe the survivor owes them love because of all they have invested in stalking the survivor. This type of stalker is very resistant to changing their beliefs about the survivor's love for them.
Personality: This type of stalker is often a shy and isolated person and often lives alone and lacks any sort of intimate relationship in their life.
Survivor Characteristics: This type of stalker may stalk acquaintances or complete strangers.
Stalking Behaviours: If the stalker recognizes they are being rejected by the survivor, they may become threatening or violent. This type of stalker may engage in behaviours such as: writing letters to the survivor; calling the survivor on the phone; or sending the survivor gifts. The stalker may become jealous if the survivor enters or continues a romantic relationship with another person.
Duration and Criminality: This type of stalker is among the most persistent type of stalker, harassing longer than any type except the rejected stalker. The stalker is usually unresponsive to legal sanctions because they view them as challenges to overcome that demonstrate their love for the survivor.
Motivation: This type of stalker is motivated by a desire to start a romantic relationship with the survivor and is impaired in his social skills.
Personality: This type of stalker may be cut off from the survivor's feelings and believe that any person should be attracted to them.
Survivor Characteristics: This type of stalker usually stalks acquaintances, but may stalk complete strangers.
Stalking Behaviours: This type of stalker typically engages in behaviours such as: repeatedly asking for dates even after being rejected; repeatedly calling on the phone; and trying to hold the survivor's hand or kiss the survivor.
Duration and Criminality: This type of stalker stalks for shorter periods, on average, than any other type of stalker and has likely stalked others in the past. This stalker will usually quickly stop stalking if confronted with legal action or after seeking counselling.
Erotomania and Morbidly Infatuated
Motivation: This type of stalker believes that they are loved by the survivor even though the survivor has done nothing to suggest this is true and may have made statements that they do not and never will love the stalker. The stalker reinterprets what the survivor says and does to support their belief that the survivor loves them and makes the imagined romance with the survivor the most important part of their life.
Personality: This type of stalker may suffer from acute paranoia and/or delusions.
Survivor Characteristics: This type of stalker usually chooses survivors of a higher social class.
Stalking Behaviours: This type of stalker repeatedly tried to approach and communicate with the survivor.
Duration and Criminality: This type of stalker may sometimes respond well to psychological treatment and is typically unresponsive to threats of legal action short of time behind bars. Without psychological treatment, they are likely to continue stalking the survivor after they are released.
So, before we go any further I’m guessing that a lot of you are asking why am I talking about this? This is supposed to be a relationship coaching channel, not a lesson in psychology!
And yes, you’re right, this is a relationship coaching channel. But the relationship I mainly want to discuss here isn’t the one that you want to have again with your ex. We’ll briefly cover it today, but I’ll leave all that “text your ex back” rubbish to other channels. The relationship I want to focus on in this video is the one you have with yourself.
Chances are, and it seems obvious to say this, but when you break up with your long-term partner, you’re not going to have the same access to her as you did before the breakup. You may move into another house, and she’s going to want to move on with her life, and maybe even start dating again.
The problem that a lot of men face during a break up is that they weren’t the instigator of it. In fact, statistics show that up to 85% of breakups were instigated by the female. This means that usually the man wasn’t ready to part ways yet. So, when the end comes, it hits like a fuckin atom bomb.
One of humans 6 basic human needs is the need for certainty. This certainty is completely stripped away when the ex-partner decides to end the relationship. This means that gone are the days when you had a right to know the movements of your ex-partner. What she’s doing, who she’s with, what she’s wearing and who she might be fucking. However, in your mind you’re still in the relationship, you haven’t been given the chance to move on emotionally. There’s still this strong attachment that hasn’t faded over time, like hers probably has. This certainty is replaced with uncertainty, and uncertainty leads very quickly into a feeling of being fearful of what the future holds for you, otherwise known as anxiety.
Alleviating this anxiety becomes a massive driver for the actions of a rejected stalker, as they attempt to re-establish certainty about where they stand in their “relationship” with their ex, and what the position of their ex-partner is in relation to them. “Does she have a new man? Is she as devastated about this break up as I am?” This is when guys start doing all the creepy shit like hiding behind trees with binoculars, leaving notes in letterboxes, ringing up demanding to know what she’s doing, all that weird shit. It’s all an attempt to re-establish certainty.
Being labelled a stalker by one’s ex comes about when you’ve pushed the boundaries of what is acceptable contact after there’s a breakup. Maybe you’re texting a million times a day wanting answers, or coming around unannounced, or even buying unwanted gifts for her in a pitiful attempt to win her back. One party, almost most always the instigator of the breakup, will have asked the other to reduce or stop contact with them so they can move on with their lives and create some space between them, and the other party refuses to respect their wishes. This In essence, is an attempt to force one’s agenda over another in an effort to control them, giving the victim the feeling that they are losing their freedom.
So, what can you do when you’ve been dumped, and you really feel like doing some crazy stalking shit, and you still want her back?
Well, I think the Thích Nhất Hạnh proverb of “you must love in such a way that the person you love feels free” is quite apt here.
“Are you crazy Stuart?” You ask! The fucker just dumped me, and you’re asking me to LOVE them for it???
Well the thing is, that most rejected stalkers REALLY want their ex back. They’ll do anything! However, acting like a stalker is, ironically, the WORST thing you can do if you are ever to have a chance at getting your ex back. And if you get caught, you can kiss any chance goodbye of ever getting her back, you’ve destroyed any feelings of comfort she had about you.
This may seem incredibly counter intuitive, as many things in relationships are, but the only chance you have to get your ex back when they have unilaterally decided they want nothing more to do with you for the time being, is to give them the freedom to move on with their life. Getting yourself in a state where you can be ok with this is where the challenge lies.
Mastering a state of non-attachment to a particular outcome, that outcome being having your ex back in your life, will allow you to act in a manner that is the most attractive to your ex.
What does this “non-attachment’ state look like?
Well, some people would call it “Playing it cool”, however, you’re not playing games here. You are actually completely ok with any outcome, because you know in your heart that if it doesn’t work out with her, someone else who will be even better than her is just around the corner anyway. And being in this state allows you to be relaxed, and allows her to feel relaxed around you too. It also shows your ex that you’ve developed a level of emotional maturity, and gives her the feeling of freedom to choose you again if she wants to. This is the best, and really the only healthy to get her back.
So, what are the main take aways from this video?
Well, there are two.
No. 1 is, when a break up occurs, to nurture and develop a healthy and amicable separation. This is particularly important when there are kids involved. This however can take a huge amount of emotional self-control, especially if there’s been cheating or some other nefarious behaviour going on behind your back, such as emotional abuse or stealing money. In these cases, it’s completely justified to have feelings of wanting to exact revenge in some way to even the score and bring justice back to the world. However, if you still want her back despite all of this, then respecting her requests for space, playing it cool, and giving her the freedom to choose you again without trying to control or force a situation, which is pretty much what stalking is, is paramount.
However, and this brings us to No. 2, if someone is treating you poorly, or really doesn’t want anything more to do with you, then you have to have the belief that you deserve better from everyone, let alone a romantic partner. There’s no point hanging around someone that doesn’t want anything to do with you. You should hang out only with those who value you and are enthusiastic to be around you, and have the belief that this is what you deserve, and you won’t settle for anything less. I know it’s incredibly hard to think straight when someone you really love suddenly disappears from your life forever. For men especially, it’s a massive blow to the ego to suddenly be faced with the knowledge that someone that you value disapproves of you as a person, but once you’ve grieved appropriately for the loss of the relationship, you should use this time on your own as an opportunity to take stock of yourself, and then develop and improve in the areas that you believe require improvement. Not for anyone else, but for you. Maybe you need to join a gym to lose some weight, maybe expand your social circle, or study something new. This time alone is a perfect time to concentrate on yourself, and get yourself ready for the next lucky girl who enters your life.
With this in mind, one exercise I get clients to do is to list all the ways they are better off without the other person. It helps to start reframing the experience in your mind from a negative one which requires “something to be set right”, hence the stalking, to a positive one which you are able to move forward and grow from.
Types of Stalkers – University of Michigan - https://sapac.umich.edu/article/320
“These Boots Are Made for Walkin” – Why Most Divorce Filers are Women - http://www.unc.edu/courses/2010fall/econ/586/001/Readings/Brinig.pdf