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Brownie Points - There's No Such Thing!

Relationship Coaching Advice

So, I was talking with a friend of mine the other day whole was looking to buy a new catamaran. He said that “if I earn enough brownie points the wifey will let me buy this boat.”

“What do mean by brownie points?”, I asked.

“Well, if I do the dishes and chores around the house, I’ll have enough brownie points saved up to go and buy the catamaran”.

This sounded weird to me. It didn’t sound right. So I began my research.

So anyway, what are brownie points?

“Brownie points” were named after the points earned for various achievements by the youngest group of the Girl Scouts, called Brownies. The term brownie points mean earning imaginary and unexpected points for doing a good deed which is considered favourable or earning extra points for a considerable work or it can be considered as a kind of appreciation for the good deed.

Men generally believe it’s a great way to measure their value in a relationship. Men are good at keeping score. They do something nice for their partner, bank the brownie points, that they can cash in for favours later on, like going to the football with their mates or a boys only fishing trip.

It’s a system that men understand because it’s something quantifiable, and measurable and logic based. “If I do something nice for someone, then I should be able to bank that good deed so I can make a withdrawal at a later date.

So, what’s wrong with the brownie points system?

The thing that’s wrong with brownie points is that women generally don’t react well to this system. For women, they react to you according to how they feel about you in the moment. So it doesn’t matter that you did the dishes a couple of nights ago, or took her out to dinner last week. If you’ve been a dick to her recently, it counts for nothing!

It also depends on what your true agenda is. If you’re washing the dishes because you think she’ll let you buy that motorbike AND SHE KNOWS that’s the only reason why you’re washing the dishes, then that won’t work either.

For example, if you agree to go and put up a shed this weekend after being nagged for weeks to do it, don’t expect to have raised your value in her eyes, because your agenda is not to do it because you are self-motivated and want to do it for your family, it’s to do it so she’ll stop nagging you.

What you’re creating when you talk about brownie points is a sort of “transactional based” relationship. If I do something for her, then you have to do something for me. It’s not very sexy, and this line of thinking will definitely not get you laid. Or at best you’ll create a pattern of transactional based sex, so she’ll have sex with you if you put up that shed tomorrow. Sooooo Sexy!

A good woman wants to feel like they are the centre of your attention ALL THE TIME! That you give in the relationship without expecting anything in return, and she would do the same for you because she adores you.

However, if you’re doing most of the giving in a relationship and not getting much in return, then you need to communicate your needs. If she refuses, then you need to consider your options. I can help you with this.

So, look at it this way. There’s not a brownie bank that you can make deposits when you do something good, and then make withdrawals when you need something. Think of it more like 1 brownie, that grows and deflates, depending on how much positive attention you’re giving your partner. When that brownie is huge, it means your value in the eyes of your partner is high, and you’ll find they’ll be much more open to you in every way, and even encourage you to go out on boys’ nights, etc. When your brownie is small, you’ll find that she’s bitchy, tests you and becomes controlling.

The way to ensure this one brownie stays big is to always put the needs of your spouse or partner first, and expect her to do the same. If both partners do this effectively, it creates an environment of giving unconditionally in a relationship, instead creating a system based on “trading favours” with one another.


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