Ok, so hypergamy and gold-digging are two different things. To some of you, that’s stating the bleeding obvious. To others, perhaps not so much.
Hypergamy is the concept that women will only date across and up in the social hierarchy. They’re generally won’t consider guys as candidates for romantic partners if they believe they are “inferior”, for want of a better word.
Now a lot of guys resent this quality in women. I mean, we all want to believe that we can be loved and are loveable simply because of who we are, not what we do.
But the cold hard truth is that girls WILL love you for who you are, as long as you either currently possess or have the potential to have success, ambition and access to abundant resources.
Women are the quality control officers of the human race. Whether or not you think they’re doing a good job of it is up to you, but the fact is, they choose whose genes are worth passing on to the next generation and whose aren’t. And they’re really only interested in passing on the genes of guys who they think can make shit happen, and get shit done.
I know this can be a very difficult pill to swallow for some guys. But, a healthy level of hypergamy is good for the human race as a whole. In fact, it wouldn’t be too great for the human race as a whole if women only sought out men with poor resource providing potential.
So, women shouldn’t be admonished or resented for possessing hypergamy. And shaming women for wanting a man who has the potential to provide abundant resources is as absurd as shaming men for wanting to date healthy attractive women.
So, with hypergamy in mind, when contemplating relationships, women are always trying to balance their two conflicting desires they have for a partner. And that is, they are trying to find a man they are genuinely physically attracted to, but who will also potentially be a good provider for any family they have together in the future. It’s what's commonly termed “Alpha Seed, and Beta Need”.
So they’re trying to balance their needs for physical desire and resource provisioning. And a good healthy relationship requires this balance to exist. You cannot have one without the other.
If too much emphasis is put on either of these two conflicting qualities, the balance will be upset, the scales will topple over and the relationship will be doomed to fail.
For example, girls WILL date guys solely based on the guy's looks. But relationships based solely on physical attraction are almost always short-lived. Because inevitably boredom sets in if there’s no substance to the relationship.
Equally unhealthy though are relationships with a heavy emphasis on resource provision. We all know these as gold-digging relationships, where the girl is clearly into the guy just because of his money. And the typical version of this is the traditional sugar arrangement.
Now, before we go on, it’s important to recognise that healthy relationships should work to complement the self-esteem of both parties.
Ultimately, a mans self-esteem cannot be improved if he’s aware that a girl wants him ONLY for his money, no matter how pretty she looks on his arm, and the same with a girl if she’s aware she’s nothing more than a toy for the guy, no matter how much money he throws at her.
However, I’m aware there are times in peoples lives when sacrifices and compromises need to be made to one's morals as they journey through life. And sometimes a girls just gotta eat, and a guy just gets lonely and desperate for affection.
And this is where gold-digging or sugar arrangements can be understood. At least In the short to medium term.
Now, by traditional sugar arrangement, I mean that all parties are fully aware of the transactional nature of their relationship and can then, therefore, take precautions and protect themselves financially and emotionally.
So to some extent, this relationship can work, at least in the medium term. It’s by no means an entirely healthy relationship by any stretch of the imagination, but it’s not the worst. At least the situation is honest in its intentions.
So let’s call this traditional sugar dating arrangement level 1 gold-digging. In terms of transactional relationships, it has the lowest level of danger to a guys bank account and emotions.
So, the guy knows full well what he’s dealing with. He can stop himself catching feelings and there’s a set amount of compensation for the girls time.
Once again, while any sugar arrangement isn’t great, at least both parties are being upfront and honest with one another. At least it’s got that going for it.
Level 2 is when things start getting sinister though.
So, what about when the woman isn’t honest about why she’s dating a guy? She might also need money, but might consider herself too tasteful or fear social disapproval too much to make her true intentions clear to a man
So what this woman will do is set her sights on some unsuspecting guy, who might be a bit lonely or not terribly successful with woman, and feign genuine interest in desire for him, knowing that she’s only there to extract his resources.
But she’ll constantly give her true intensions away by talking constantly about the importance of gifts and say stuff like “if you really loved me, you would buy me this”, and whatever. Usually to the point that an ordinarily prudent guy would notice that she might not really love him. But at least she gives plenty of hints to the guy about her true intentions. And then it’s up to the guy to not keep bullshitting himself about the situation and end it if he doesn’t like the idea of being a walking wallet.
So, intentionally or not, at least she’s giving the guy some very unsubtle hints as to her true intentions.
So, this would be what I would consider being the second level of danger for a guy. If he’s not alert, or he’s willfully ignoring the obvious signs, he could be exploited. But at least the girls dropping some pretty obvious hints.
Level 3 is where it gets really toxic and dangerous for the guy. And it’s something that affects a lot of top tier, high net worth guys.
Some girls who are dating guys purely for access to their resources might choose to be as subtle as they possibly can about their true intentions. They won’t drop any subtle hints like the last type of girl. As far as the guy is aware, the girl is with him because she genuinely desires him. To the point that, even when pressed, the girl will insist consistently that she is with the guy for love, not money, even to the point of gaslighting the guy by accusing him of having some sort of emotional or mental issue that stops him from accepting her “true Love” for him like it would be absurd to question her true intentions.
This scenario, this is the worst, because this scenario runs the most significant risk of emotional and financial harm to the guy because he cannot adequately consider whether her company is worth her cost.
He gets brainwashed by her into thinking that there is genuine desire here. That finally he’s found a girl that loves him just for him, just like in the fairy tales. That money, whether he’s got it or not, doesn’t enter into the equation at all.
As I said, this is a common problem faced by high net worth guys. It’s rarely discussed or acknowledged, because hey, when you’ve got a lot of money all your problems go away right?
Well no. Money creates different problems, and the common problem that these men face is finding a girl who loves them not only for the size of their bank balance but also for who they are as a person.
The man wants her level of genuine desire and physical attraction to be in balance with her level of desire for access to his resources, which he accepts is an obvious drawcard, but one which he doesn’t want to have to lean on. He is hoping against hope, so to speak. It’s the existential problem that high net worth, high quality men have to face when they finally realise their potential, become successful and start attracting the attention of a lot of women. “Do these girls like me for me?”
So, if they’re so difficult to spot because they’re so skilled at hiding their true intentions, how do you test for this Level 3 gold digger? Can you test for them? Can you weed them out? Well, a lot of guys with a high net worth hide their wealth when they first meet a girl, so it’s not a factor. They keep their cards very close to their chest.
But what if you’re already in a relationship with a girl and you suspect she’s in it only for the money?
Well, this sounds dishonest, but it really is the only way to test: Tell her things are getting tight financially and you need to cut back on luxuries. And then observe any changes in behaviour.
If you’re in a healthy relationship, the girl will take ownership of the situation and be happy to act responsibly until things turn around. She’ll understand that shit happens and sometimes you have to tighten the purse strings.
The other girl, well, to be honest, she’ll probably just leave. And, while it may hurt, at least you’ll finally get to know what you were really dealing with. And chances are, you’ll think back on your relationship with her and realise there were all these tiny hints of her true intentions that you wilfully ignored.
So, as I said before, no financially transactional relationships are healthy, certainly not in the long term anyway. They can function and be useful for both parties in the short to medium term, but it’s something you need to aim to get out of as soon as possible.
I talk about this stuff because I’m a pragmatist. While obviously, I’d like to see everyone in healthy relationships, I also understand that sometimes shit goes sideways in your life and sometimes you just need a warm body next to you or someone to help you pay the bills. And in terms of improving your quality as a person, I think it’s ok to have temporary setbacks, as long as the general trend is upwards.