How do you define success?
Now, everyone's definition of success will be different. Perhaps for some of you, success might mean simply making lots of money, getting big muscles and having lots of admirers.
Others might consider the ultimate definition of success to be making it to your grave, hopefully decades from now, surrounded by a loving family and having the peace of mind that you lived your life with few regrets.
But one thing that you may have not thought about much is that the quality of people that you allow into your life, including the quality of women, will be directly influenced by the quality of your definition for success, so that’s what I’d like to talk to you about today.
So,I’m going to give you a simple way to create your own specific definition of success. And if you can stick to your own personal definition of success that you’ve created, then I guarantee that you will find “the girl of your dreams”, if that’s one of your goals.
So let's start by talking about my own personal journey of redefining what success means…
I think personally, for most of my life, I defined success the same way that most of western society does: You know, big flashy car, big flashy house, big holidays costing lots of money.
It was what I would now call an “outside-in” definition of success. It was what I was fed by the media, films, TV, everything. “Success is having lots of stuff”. That’s what I thought other people considered to be most important in life too, so accumulating all these things meant that I was successful yeah?
Now, I’m not saying that having money is not important. I’m not saying you need to throw off the shackles of materialism and go and join a hippy community out in the woods and live off the land.
Money is important. There is no denying that. Money gives you options. But, to bring it back to your dating life, your relationship with money, how you view money, is what will really define and dictate the quality of women you find yourself with.
If you predominantly define your success by the things that money can provide you with, the material things in life, then you will naturally gravitate to those who feel the same way. You’ll end up dating gold diggers and sugar babies.
When your definition of success is at a superficial level, a predominantly materialistic level, you’re going to attract people to you who are at the same level as you. Because remember, like attracts like.
Look this is probably not going to be any news to you but there are plenty of studies that support the theory that the length of romantic relationships and marriages is strongly affected by the level of materialism displayed by the participants.
If you’re with someone who is materialistic, the less your chances are of relationship longevity and satisfaction. That’s just a fact.
Materialistic women will be less likely to be able to reign-in their hypergamy as well, you’ve got to remember that. Because they are driven by the feeling that they aren’t good enough on their own, they have no value outside of the material things they align themselves with, they need to attach or align themselves with things they perceive as having value.
If this feeling she has of having no inherent value, of being inherently worthless, if it isn’t addressed through therapy, then it’s going to remain this hole inside her that can never be filled, it can’t be satisfied no matter how much she attempts to satiate it with “stuff”. This woman will be a nightmare. She will be what other, less charitable channels would call a “blood-sucking vampire”.
I know it’s harsh to call women who act like this “low quality”, perhaps we need another word for them. Perhaps we should call them “damaged” women instead, because “the term “low quality” tends to have this “inherent-ness” about it, like they were born being low quality.
However, these women have suffered trauma in their lives, usually at the hands of men, that have left them damaged, and therefore low quality. They have been made to feel worthless by someone they valued.
I tend to use a lot of car analogies, and here’s another one: A car doesn’t roll out of the factory all smashed up, sure, there are better cars and worse cars, in the same way there are people born into more privilege than others. But they are fundamentally unscathed when they first appear into the world. It’s only through suffering some sort of severe trauma, a severe incident of some sort, that things, or people become damaged goods. And I think we need to keep that in mind.
However, from your perspective, a woman who displays high levels of materialism, a woman who’s definition of success is centred around gathering “stuff”, is not going to be a good long term dating prospect, because she WILL skip out on you if she finds a guy who can provide her with more stuff, because her primary driver, the thing that overrides everything else, all her pair bonding instincts, will be to keep trying to fill up that empty hole inside her.
So the best way to avoid these types of women is to ensure that your personal definition of success is not aligned with hers. Your value set is completely different from women like that. This will create a natural repellent to them.
So, let's talk about cultivating a better quality, more personalised definition of success for you. One that aligns with your core values better.
Now, what I’m going to be discussing is just the start of the full process that I offer to my coaching clients, but I’m sure you’ll find it very useful anyway.
In this little exercise, I’m not going to try and change you at your core, because you’re fine the way you are, but more to the point, we need to evolve your definition so that it aligns with what is actually truly important to you.
What we want is to be able to discard what we’re told by society and the media that success is, and look internally at our core values. We want an internally driven image of success that reflects our core values rather than an externally driven one that’s a reflection of what we think other peoples visions of success are.
So, how do we do this? Well, the first step is to ask ourselves some good quality questions. And the better quality questions we ask ourselves, the better quality answers we’ll get, so lets do that now...
So, I want you to grab a pen and write down the answer to these questions. Her we go…
If you were to die tomorrow, how would you like to be remembered? What legacy would you like to leave behind for future generations?
What do you enjoy thinking about the most? What do your most pleasant thoughts consist of?
Which of these areas do you feel the most satisfaction when you achieve in the following areas:
Spirituality & Personal Growth
Health & Fitness
List what you feel are your 3 greatest achievements of your life so far
Who are the 3 main people you look up to, inspire or admire in your life and why?
What do you secretly wish for?
When was the last time you got frustrated? What happened? Think about it in detail. Why exactly did it make you frustrated?
So what you have there, if you’ve filled out the questions honestly and to the best of your ability, is the beginning of the creation of a roadmap to success, based on your true values.
Now, these questions are from a much larger list that I go through with 1-on-1 clients, however, it will give you the first steps to creating your own personal definition of success that truly aligns with your values. It’s then my job, to help you interpret your answers so you can create your own blueprint for success.
I did this same exercise with my coach many years ago, and I can tell you from first-hand experience that when your definition of success aligns with your inner values, things instantly become clearer. You stop worrying about what other people think so much, it’s like taking a “confidence pill”. You understand who you are at your core and what you want from the world and how you can best contribute to it.
And, if you’re interested in dating, if one of your life's goals is to find a high quality woman to have a long term relationship with, if you’ve done this exercise then you’ve pretty much got a blueprint of the qualities you want in her.
So one day, you will meet someone who is on your level, and you’ll both recognise that in each other. Because you’ll both know what to look for. You’ve become naturally aligned with higher quality women.