So, what happens after you breakup with your significant other? Well, chances are you’re probably going to try to sooth your battered ego in the embrace of as many random strangers as possible.
Lets not mince words here, for all the fun you’ll potentially have going out and sowing your wild oats, it’s a coping mechanism, nothing more. Nothing less. Hey, I did it when I got divorced. I even wrote a book about it! There’s nothing wrong with doing this, it’s totally normal.
But let’s be honest, you do it because your trying to fill the void that’s been left in your life after you no longer have your significant other as company.
Some people just go from one “relationship” to another and never really learn how to be content in their own company. In fact, most people are terrible at the thought of being alone with only their own thoughts for company.
Eventually though, the meaningless sex will sort of get boring and you’ll start wanting something more meaningful again.
The problem is, if you’re anything like me, you’ve done the whole marriage thing, realised being attached to someone for the rest of your life sounds more like a nightmare than a dream, and you really value your freedom and independence.
You want a relationship that give you more freedom, as paradoxical as that sounds.
Well, does such a thing even exist? Can you have your cake and eat it too?
Well, I think serial monogamy is the best solution going forward.
So serial monogamy is the practice of engaging in a succession of monogamous sexual relationships.
It’s like a marriage, in that you’re exclusively dating one person, however you’re not tied to that person for the rest of your life. When the relationship comes to its natural end, the two of you give each other the freedom to find someone else.
It retains all the intimacy and closeness of a a long term relationship without the looming prospect of government meddling when you decide to call it quits.
You see, people change through their lives. You are essentially the same person, but certain things about you change.
And you’re going to connect closer with different people at different times of your life.
It’s very difficult for a couple to continuously grow together, at the same pace in the same direction with the same person throughout your entire life.
And I’d say that with “independence” and “individualism” being the feminist catch cries these days, this is harder than ever before.
Where once a couple may have felt like they were treading the same path up the mountain of life, helping each other when it got tough, these days everyone wants to tread their own path, nobody wants to feel dependent or wants to feel as if they have to rely on someone else, so it creates a situation where couples naturally grow apart instead of together as they journey through life. I mean the growing divorce rates in western countries is testament to this.
So, let’s just concede that this is the new relationship paradigm that we’re faced with these days. Every woman has to be strong and independent. And the “individual is more important than the collective” You can fight it all you want but this is the reality. We’re all being told that “You should never have to grit your teeth through a relationship”. So when it all boils down to it, getting married makes less sense than ever these days.
Anyway, to be honest there’s a big part of me that agrees with this. Relationships should be easy to maintain, there should be a natural flow to things. If you start to feel at though you are swimming upstream in your relationship, then maybe it’s a good indicator that you’re getting out of synch with your partner, and then maybe it’s good idea to evaluate whether the two of you are naturally growing apart or whether it’s just a few issues that need to be sorted out.
Sure, there will be always tough times that will need to be worked through in relationships, but fundamentally, you and your partner should find yourselves in synch for the majority of the time.
The whole idea of a long term committed relationship is for you and your partner, to sort of behave as one super person. Your attributes should sort of compliment one another, rather than mirror one another, each persons strengths making up for the others deficit.
That’s why it’s generally considered a terrible idea for example, for masculine men to partner up with feminists, because both parties want to act like men in the relationship, leaving other important areas of skill uncovered.
It’s like that movie Pacific Rim, where the two “drivers” of the giant Jaeger robot have to act in unison with one another, to act as one “super person”. If the drivers minds are out of synch they can’t pilot the robot effectively. That whole movie is sort of an allegory for marriage when you think about it...
So, as you go through life you’re going to find that your list of attributes change. You might give up bodybuilding and find yourself more into yoga and meditation, and if you do that, your strengths in one area will weaken and your strength in another are will increase. You are essentially the same person, just your attributes have changed. It’s like if you’ve ever played an RPG game like Mass Effect or The Witcher or Fallout. You choose your characters strengths and weaknesses and it changes as you go through the campaign.
As an example, I used to be an accountant and a finance broker, and my ex wife was also an accountant. We both loved drinking and partying, but then I naturally started to become more interested in human behaviour, psychology and self development.
Now my ex wife is a very intelligent person but she’s very simple and practical in a lot of ways, and she doesn’t really put a hell of a lot of credit into self development, to her it’s all very airey fairy stuff, her parents are both from northern England and they breed them pretty tough up there, if there’s a problem you just put your head down and grin and bear it, life full of pain, you get what you get and you don’t get upset and all that.
So towards the end of our marriage our interests were really conflicting and we just naturally grew apart. And that’s fine. The thing I realise in retrospect is that, while I was growing apart from her, I was growing closer to other people. Perhaps I hadn’t met those people yet, but that just meant that I needed to take the initiative to go out and find them.
One thing that some guys say when they break up with their partner is, “that girl really understood me, I’m so different to other guys, I’m not like average guys, I have different tastes and interests to what most normal guys have, so how am I ever going to find another girl?”. All that means is that you haven’t tried looking yet because you still have "oneitis" for a girl.
It’s a scarcity mindset. It’s a cop out, this whole “there’s only one girl out there for me”, well have you bothered to check?
The only way to get through that mindset is to go out and give yourself evidence that there are other girls who you can connect with at the same level as that other girl.
There are 3.5 billion females on this planet. You’re trying to tell me that there’s only one girl on this planet made just for you? I guarantee, if you go out and look, you’ll find there’s plenty of girls who can give you the same feeling that last girl did.
Btw, as a side note, I’m certainly not saying that if you have responsibilities, like kids for example, with your previous partner, that you just up and leave and move on. That’s not what serial monogamy is all about. As I’ve said in many of my other videos, a real man takes ownership of his responsibilities. Regardless of whether he is with the mother or not, it is imperative that he takes an active role in the lives of any children he has with a woman.
However you can do this without having to be in a relationship that has gone stale. Sure, there’s something to be said for perseverance within a relationship, to not throw in the towel at the first sign that somethings not going well, but there also has to be understanding and the FREEDOM that, if things continue to not go well, well then it’s totally ok to pull the plug on the relationship.
So to sum up, my main point is this: Relationships should not be a challenge, they should feel easy. You should feel like you’re naturally in synch with someone, like you march to the same beat as your partner.
Whilst I’m not saying that you shouldn’t have any perseverance should things get tough at times, if you find yourself out of step with your partner more than you find yourself instep with them, it may be time to find someone with whom you naturally fall in step with.
And that’s why serial monogamy tends to work best with relationships. Meeting someone to grow together with, and then allowing them the freedom to move on when you’ve finished your natural journey together, So you can both make room for another person to enter your life that will help you grow further.