Shit Tests – Why women test men, and how to handle it.

Has a girl ever asked you “Are you a player?” when you’ve just met her at a bar?

Or has your girlfriend or wife ever asked the dreaded question “Babe, do I look fat in this dress?”….

In this blog I discuss shit tests, what they are, why women test men (Hint: it’s to do with insecurity) and how to handle them.

So firstly, what exactly is a shit test?

Well, if you’ve ever had any kind of romantic interaction with a female before then I guarantee you’ve been shit tested. These tests can be those bitchy little comments she’ll hurl at you when you first meet her at a bar like “you’re a bit short for me aren’t you?” or “are you a fuckboy?”.

Or she might try to get you to hold her bag for her or go and buy her a drink while she goes to the bathroom. That’s actually a shit test too.

Also, if you’ve been in a long-term relationship, I’m sure at stage you’ve had the dreaded question “Babe, do I look fat in this dress?”, and, if you’re like most guys, it didn’t matter what you said, there seemed to be no correct answer.

Well, there is a correct answer. We’ll get into that more later.

So why do girls shit test?

Well, this is where this might start to get a bit too philosophical and psychoanalytical for some, but stay with me here.

Shit tests are sometimes also called compliance or comfort tests. Because essentially that’s what she’s testing you for. She’s testing to see if she can push you around, control you, and knock you off centre emotionally, which is fuckin unattractive to her. And also, to see whether or not you can handle yourself, and her for that matter, in a pressure situation.

Now, don’t think for a moment that the girl is consciously aware that she’s giving you a shit test while she’s doing it. Most guys think girls are doing this on purpose, and this is why guys get pissed off. But she’s not thinking “I must evaluate this man’s suitability as a potential mate by testing to see whether he has good social acuity and mental and emotional stability”.

She’s not thinking that at all. It’s just something that comes out of her innately. It’s instinctive.

Actually, I really liked what an author named Kitten Holiday (yes, Kitten Holiday) wrote regarding why women shit test guys:

“We are rarely aware, in the midst of a shit test, that we are doing it. It’s organic. I believe this comes from a woman’s deep need for security. Due to our natural and biological vulnerabilities we seek protection and security. Shit tests come out of this chronic insecurity. They serve a purpose for us as we use them to “test the waters” to make sure that what existed before still exists."

Now, that last line, “to make sure that what existed before still exists”, is important. What she’s saying, very correctly, is that a mans emotional and mental stability is paramount for a woman to continue to feel safe, secure and attracted to her man.

I’m sure you’ve heard women say they want their guy to be a rock for them. A woman wants to know that no matter how crazy or emotional they get, their man will always be there as this “fixed point” that won’t become unbalanced by their randomness.

Women are terrified at being at the mercy of their turbulent emotions and want a guy who’s steadfast and clear in his convictions. They want to know their man can get shit done, regardless of what’s going on around them.

As noted physiologist W. B. Carpenter (1894) wrote –

“There is nowhere, perhaps, a more beautiful instance of complementary adjustment between the Male and Female character, than that which consists in the predominance of the Intellect and Will, which is required to make a man successful in the “battle of life,” and of the lively Sensibility, the quick Sympathy, the unselfish Kindliness, which give to woman the power of making the happiness of the home, and of promoting the purest pleasures of social existence.”

So yeah, in other words, she’s not going to be attracted to a weak little bitch.

If she feels at any time that she can push you off centre, make you pissed off, or get you to do things that you wouldn’t normally do, like stand there hanging on to her handbag like a good little chump while she takes a dump in the toilet, well then she’s going to lose trust in your ability to look after her and yourself. Because your compliance and lack of centredness demonstrate to her that you’re at the mercy of things going on around you.

And she doesn’t need any more randomness in her life. She already has to contend with her emotions on a day to day basis.

Btw, every woman shit tests. Even the most SJW, blue haired, Doc Martin wearing, armpit hair growing Femnazi will shit test. Some girls just do it more often than others. Those with healthier self-esteem and less insecurity issues will shit test less, whereas if you get yourself involved with someone who has BPD, or Borderline Personality Disorder, everything, every interaction you have with her will be one long, gigantic exhausting shit test. I’ve been there, done that. It’s fucking exhausting and it sucks.

So how do you beat a shit test?

How do you respond when your missus asks you if she looks fat in that dress?

Now, the first thing to remember is that the shit test is actually a trap. It’s a red herring. Guys fail the test when they fall into the woman’s frame and respond directly to this question. Because if you answer “No” without enough conviction, she’ll accuse you of lying and chuck a shit at you. Because her feeling of insecurity that caused her to ask the question in the first place, hasn’t been dealt with effectively. She still feels fat and unattractive, and you didn’t convince her she wasn’t.

And obviously if you say yes, well better prepare to duck ‘n weave.

It’s the subtext that she’s trying to communicate that actually needs to be responded to in the shit test. The meaning underneath her words.

Now guys being guys, we’re very logic based and we respond very literally to any problem we’re posed with. If a chair is wobbly, we fix the chair. If a tree needs chopping down, we chop the tree down.

We just accept that what is presented to us has no meaning other than what is literally being conveyed. And yeah, girls need to learn to understand that that’s just the way guys are. And they need to learn to communicate in this direct way if they want to be successful communicators with men.

The problem is, women tend to tell little stories or give vague examples when they’re trying to communicate their needs to us. And they hope the guy get the message. And guys usually respond to these vagaries with “eh???”

For example, my ex-wife used to keep bringing up the time I didn’t save her from a seagull that was swooping her. It happened when we were, like 24 or something. I never understood why she kept bringing this tiny little event up all the time. But now I realise she brought it up every time she felt insecure.

The best way to understand and then beat any shit test is to understand the woman’s emotions behind the question she’s asking. This means you’re going to have to put your empathetic hat on, but as a rule, generally when she tests it’s driven by some form of insecurity, be it something like “I don’t usually date short guys”, from a girl you’ve just met at a bar, to “does my arse look big in this dress?” from your long term partner. The shit test isn’t the problem. It is a symptom of the problem. She’s not looking for you to convince her logically with all the reasons why she should date a shorter guy. If you do that, you’ve failed the shit test by falling into her frame, her world view, and now you’ve got to dig yourself out of it.

If this is the case, isn’t it best not to fall into her frame in the first place?

When she shit tests, her reality, or how she views the world has been challenged in some way, and she’s trying to gauge if her problem is caused by, or can be resolved by the man. In other words, and I know this can be difficult to understand, she’s subconsciously trying to figure out if there’s a problem with her perception of reality.

You pass her shit test when your concept of reality, or of the way things should be, is stronger than hers.

So, for example, if she asks you does her ass look big in the dress, tell her you’ll give her a smack if she keeps being silly. It dismisses her insecurity, therefore you’re not falling into her frame, its playful, and slightly sexually escalating, which not only validates her and gives her attention, but also proves and demonstrates your ongoing attraction to her.

It also demonstrates that your reality isn’t affected by her emotions. She can be silly all she want’s, but in your mind the way things are is just the way things are. And she feels comfortable knowing that.

So, to sum up, deflect, and dismiss. Don’t ever take it seriously and don’t ever answer the question directly. Address the behaviour, not the question. Probably all I needed to say….