So what type guys do you think see sex workers?
Now, I thought to begin answering this question I’d first share this article that I found on News.com.au, Australia’s most trusted news source (not) that was written by an ex call girl who goes by the name of Samantha X.
And after I read this article, add my personal thoughts and in particular, I want to discuss something that’s really concerning with regards to sex work and that has the potential to affect all of us men.
But anyway, let's hop straight into it:
Every type of man sees sex workers. Normal, very every day, conservative men. Bosses, husbands, brothers, work colleagues … From tradies to CEOs, bankers to carers, men in wheelchairs to athletes, from 20-80 years old.
What I’ve learnt in my 10 years as an escort is that a) there is no type and b) men are very simple creatures (and I mean that in an endearing way).
In my first book Hooked, I said that the simplicity of men is too complex for women to understand. I also said they are a bit like a puppy chewing your new shoes. They can be naughty, but they can’t help it. I am not saying we should give them leeway if they lie and cheat, but to perhaps understand why they behave the way they do.
I’ve broken the groups of men down that pay for sex workers — in no particular order — and of course, not all men.
THE SEX-STARVED ONES
Whether they are married, or have been single for years, there are the clients that literally book an escort for the physical aspect. I’ve had clients who haven’t had sex for years and years (especially the married ones, to be honest). They want to feel desired by a woman, and they also need that physical release.
THE CUDDLY ONES
I saw the client just the other day for 12 hours and guess what? There was no sex. Not even a bit. Engaged and unhappy, yet didn’t have the guts to end it with his fiancée, he just wanted a cuddle. For 12 hours. I’ve seen many a client who doesn’t give a hoot about sex and is in need of the tender love and touch of a woman in a non-sexual way.
THE ONES THAT WANT TO TALK
No one seems to believe escorts when we say this, but there are men who genuinely just want to talk. I saw one today. He’d lost 50 kgs, and got his confidence back, and wanted to ‘practice’ being in the company of a woman to prepare himself for dating in the real world. Believe it or not, the appointments when it’s purely talking (with the escort purely listening) are absolutely exhausting.
You have to be present and switched on the whole time. Seeing clients is often mentally and emotionally draining far more than it is physically draining. Sex workers often have burnout and need a lot of time off to regroup and concentrate on their mental health, rather than others for a change. I know I do.
THE ADDICTS
Let’s be realistic here, a lot of people do drugs. Men and women. There is the type of man who sees escorts as time out to relax, let their hair down, de-stress by drinking, with a few bags of cocaine, a little man cave if you will, escapism.
Again, these are exhausting clients. All they do is talk 19-to-the-dozen about nothing and end up being really annoying. After a recent job where I had to endure a prominent man bang on for hours about how he goes to rehab and lies about his sobriety and lies to his family about his habits, I decided I absolutely couldn’t see this type of man again.
Plus, I worry they are going to have a heart attack and die on my watch. Media attention I certainly don’t need.
THE ESCORT ADDICTS
Here we have another type of addict. These men get a taste of the ease and thrill of seeing a sex worker and get hooked from day one. They realise pretty quickly it’s no strings attached, no emotional and tricky affair that will ruin their marriage, with both adults knowing exactly what they want from the situation.
And I’ve got bad news for the wives; if you catch them at it, this is typically what happens: they beg for forgiveness, they go to counselling with you, they say it only happened once, and they will never do it again. And in my experience, they wait until the coast is clear, and then they come back. They just can’t help themselves (and it is nothing you are doing wrong either).
We also have the ones that love to show you off on a dinner date (it’s as if they want to get caught), the ones that fall in love with you (been there, done that, got the restraining order) and so it continues. But I’d better go as I have a client arriving soon whose story I don’t yet know.
But I bet my bottom dollar, he fits into the ‘types’ above.
Now, straight off the bat, I want to say that this is not going to be a video bashing Samantha X for being an escort or writing this article.
I think that would be infantile. I think she actually shows quite a fair amount of compassion for her clients in her article. I obviously don’t know her personally but I get the impression that she at least genuinely tried to show she cared for her clients when she saw them.
But her article does highlight a toxic combination of behaviours that I think you guys out there need to be mindful to not develop within yourself: And that is loneliness and addiction.
I think it’s fair to say that Samantha X’s clients all shared these traits, according to her words, they were all either lonely, had an addictive personality, or a combination of both.
So let's talk about how loneliness and addiction develop itself in the context of seeing sex workers…
Now, one problem that is majorly on the rise in our culture is loneliness.
A survey done in 2019 showed that 61% of participants in the US felt lonely. Apparently though, that is a 13% rise since the previous survey was done in 2018, and I’m sure things aren’t going to be getting better considering the current state of affairs.
Of course, you can feel lonely when you’re single BUT you can be equally as lonely when you’re in a long term relationship. Just ask me how I know.
However regardless of whether you’re single or you’re in a loveless marriage, you’re going to have urges, you’re going to have to find some way of getting your needs met. And sometimes you can get by just watching porn, but ultimately you still need human connection, and this is something that watching other people have sex can never give you.
From your perspective, the participants on the video you’re watching are aloof, they’re disengaged from you, you’re essentially an unrecognised voyeur. And that’s why men see escorts.
When you visit an escort, you experience what is called “guaranteed acceptance”. In some respects, seeing a prostitute is akin to seeing a counsellor, you experience a form of what is known in the counselling world as “unconditional positive regard”.
If the escort acts professionally, she will suspend all forms of judgement and accepts the client regardless of what he looks like, how he smells and what he says to her, within reason.
When you visit an escort, you don’t need to make yourself interesting to her, you don’t need to seduce her. You can be as boring as your heart desires if you really want and you will still be guaranteed to not be rejected by her. Because you are purchasing her attention with money.
Now, to a lot of guys, especially guys who might be starved of this kind of unconditional affection that they thought they could always expect from their wives, this feeling of being accepted is like manna from heaven, so it’s very easy to see how some guys can get addicted to the dopamine rush they feel when they’re with an escort.
But this is where it becomes a problem. Its never been easier to slip unknowingly into the habit of paying women for their attention because of the growing normalisation of sex work in our society through platforms such as OnlyFans, Sugar Dating, and Cam girls.
I would add that even some Instagram models, ethot video gamer girls and ASMR girls could be considered sex workers.
To my mind, any situation where both parties are in agreement, either expressly or implied, that the reason why money is being exchanged is due to one parties sexual attractiveness, constitutes sex work.
And before you say “well what about models?”, no I don’t include runway models as sex workers. And models that appear in car ads and magazine ads. Because the intent is not to highlight the woman's sexual attractiveness in the advertisement. The intent is to display the product they are marketing in it’s best light.
However, when you see the pages of Instagram models with countless photos of them in bikinis or lingerie, the intent of those photos is to highlight her sexual attractiveness. I hope you understand the difference.
So, if you have donated money to a girl online in the hope of them acknowledging you or you’ve given a sugar baby an allowance, then you’ve indulged in sex work.
The barriers to forming the habit of paying money to a girl to gain their attention for a brief moment in time has never been lower. It gives the payer a quick, easy dopamine hit, and then they can get on with their day. But in the long run, it’s incredibly damaging to your self-esteem.
We all need that feeling that we’re good enough, we all need the dopamine and serotonin hit that we get when we feel like we’re a valued member of a group. How we go about getting it depends on whether we want to take the easy or the not so easy way.
If we want to take the easy way, well it will cost you in money. You will always be reliant on money, something external to yourself to gain validation from people. And that will never make you feel good. That’s why there are so many sad lonely rich people in the world.
Or you can take the not so easy route and learn to develop the social skills that will make you genuinely desirable.
And I believe the first thing you need to focus on if you want to eliminate loneliness and sex worker addiction, is overcoming your fear of rejection.
You need to risk social rejection and go out and meet real people. And if it doesn’t work out, you need to learn to be ok with that and move on. You need to feel ok with loss. You need to learn to realise that you’re not meant to be for everyone, and that’s totally fine.
I know, easier said than done. If you’ve been single and you’ve been throwing money at some girl online for quite some time to get an “oh thankyou Hornyguy69, thankyou so much for the super chat”, it gonna be hard to break that habit of that quick dopamine fix.
The popular Youtube channel charisma on command did a really good video on the psychology on simping. If you want to watch a video that doesn’t just make fun of guys who throw their money at girls online and whatever, and actually bothers to try to give you some understanding as to why guys indulge in this simping behaviour, then give it a watch.
I think we’ve all had our fun taking the piss out of guys who indulge in this practice of simping, giving money and attention to women that don’t reciprocate in any meaningful way, and we really need to understand and empathise with guys who do this instead of just going ”these guys are fucking losers, stop doing it”. The thing is these guys would stop doing it if they thought they had a choice.
Same goes for guys who see escorts. I know, it’s easy, you’re not going to get rejected by these girls, so it’s a safe environment where you won’t risk harming your fragile ego with the potential of rejection. I get it.
But rejection really isn’t as bad as you think. In fact, the first time I got rejected by a girl after I got separated, it actually felt great! Because I felt that regardless of the outcome, I’d made progress, I’d broken free of something that was holding me back and there wouldn’t be any regrets or what-ifs. And that knowledge that rejection wasn’t going to kill me gave me the confidence to do more of what I wanted to do, to expand my life, and that’s something I’d like for every guy out there...