So, I’m gonna admit guilt here. I make a lot of videos discussing what signs and what red flags to keep an eye out for when we’re dating women.
I think the internet is absolutely drowning in red flags to keep an eye out for in the opposite sex right now. I mean, it’s honestly getting ridiculous. I think it’s at the point of saturation and some people are just making shit up now.
If they smoke, if they drink, if they cuss, if they have a little teeny tiny tattoo on their ankle well then, according to some people on the almighty internet, that by itself renders them completely unworthy of being anything other than a fuck buddy.
It kinda gives the overall impression that there are no women out there worth dating in the traditional sense any more.
And I agree that indeed, if you choose to pursue a long term relationship these days, it is more important, now more than ever, to be absolutely ruthless in your screening for bad behaviour. As a man, there is just too much at stake to just go throwing caution to the wind and ignoring warning signs.
And make no mistake here, if your goal is to find a high quality woman, a woman worth taking the risk on, to settle down with and start a family with, the odds are stacked against you.
So, if the odds are already stacked against you then you really don’t need to be making your life harder by trying to remember a plethora of red flags.
Perhaps instead, it might be easier to try looking out for one single quality that signals unequivocally that this girl you’re seeing might be seriously worth investing some of your time in.
So, what is this quality I speak of?
Well, admittedly this thing is a very very rare in people, not only women, but everyone. But girls with this trait are out there, I swear. And I’m even going to give you some tips on how to increase your chances on finding such a girl who has this trait. You may not like the tips I’m going to give you, but they are the ONLY way to guarantee finding this type of girl.
So the trait that pretty much cements that’s she's high quality is this:
“She can take responsibility for her own feelings and actions and she’s self-aware of how her feelings affect her mood”.
If she has this quality, then it doesn’t matter if she has a couple of tattoos. It doesn’t even matter if she has a kid! Your life with a girl with this quality will be infinitely easier and more drama free if she’s learned to take responsibility for her actions and her feelings.
The thing you gotta remember is a girl can be sweet, she can be loving, she can be funny or sexy, but these things all happen in the moment. These are fleeting traits that come and go depending on her mood.
However, her ability to monitor and manage her feelings will dictate her mood and more importantly for you, how she behaves around you on a continual basis.
Now, self-awareness is the ability to monitor our stress levels, our thoughts, emotions, and beliefs and being mindful of how these feelings are influencing our behaviour.
It’s the ability to stand back from yourself and objectively take a look at how you’re behaving or reacting to any situation and ask yourself, “Now what is motivating me here?”.
For example, you meet girl, you hit it off and start dating. However, she’s told you that she’s been cheated on in the past, and as a result she’s come to be quite sensitive to placing misguided trust in the opposite sex. Fair enough…
Now one day she catches you texting one of your female friends or your female cousin. Something fairly innocuous, nothing flirty or anything…
Now, in this scenario most of the time what happens is, because they’ve been cheated on, they fear the pain of being cheated on again. And because of this, their hypervigilance causes them to instantly go on the attack.
“Who is this girl? Why are you texting her? You’re cheating on me aren’t you?”…
What’s happening here, when you get wrongfully accused of cheating for example, is that the girl isn’t taking responsibility for her feelings. She’s making you responsible for them. She wants you to fix her problem for her.
You can’t help that she was cheated on in the past. That had nothing to do with you. However, because she hasn’t cultivated the self awareness to realise that she has a bias towards being untrusting of men and also perhaps an insecurity around being made to feel not good enough for her partner in general, she naturally thinks that her emotions are the result of something happening externally to her i.e. you’re making her feel that way.
Her anger is the result of her trying to control something external to her: She needs to control you, because she wrongfully believes that you are the cause of her insecurity.
Now, what usually happens in this scenario is that the guy tries in vain to make her feel better by apologising or some other weak ass behaviour, but that just results in validating her fears because “if you’re apologising you’ve obviously done something wrong”. So the whole situation just escalates into a fucking drama.
Now take the same situation with a girl who has practiced self awareness and mindfulness.
She’ll feel the same fear growing inside her, the same insecurity. But she’ll deal with it completely differently. She’ll be aware of her cognitive bias caused by her past, and she’ll be aware she has no evidence that you’re cheating her yet. So, instead of her just assuming you’re definitely cheating on her and blowing up in your face, you’ll probably hear something along these lines:
“Hey, I noticed you texting another girl the other day. Look, I’ve been cheated on in the past, so it tends to make me a bit anxious when I see you texting some girl. I’m certainly not accusing you of anything, but is there anything I need to be concerned about?”.
Doesn’t this sound so much better?
Instead of trying to control something external, she knows the source of her insecurity is something inside of her. Therefore, instead of trying to control you by accusing you of all sorts of bullshit, she controls her own emotions.
This is what mature communication sounds like. Drama free and not needy.
I’ve been lucky enough to have had relationships with women who have a high level of self awareness and self responsibility and I can tell you from first hand experience, that it’s fucking GLORIOUS! There’s no drama, just fun. If there’s a problem we talk about it calmly and issues are dealt with in minutes instead of fucking hours.
There’s a transparency to the relationship. There’s no games, no power plays. Yes there’s issues, every relationship has issues, but they’re brought to the surface so they don’t fester and they’re just dealt with. One thing you come to understand in a relationship like this is that conflict doesn’t have to turn into a drama.
And if you’re a busy guy, then the last thing you want to be dealing with all the time is figuring out what you’ve done wrong because your missus is pissed but won’t tell you. That’s just a waste of energy.
A woman who is self aware doesn’t give you the silent treatment. She doesn’t make you try to figure out what you’ve done wrong because she knows that’s just bullshit. She’ll tell you directly that you hurt her feelings because you crossed one of her boundaries.
And yes, a high quality woman has strong boundaries, because she’s aware of what makes her feel uncomfortable.
Not unreasonable boundaries though, because a self aware woman has a good grasp of what is reasonable and what is not.
Now right now I’m sure you’re probably saying to yourself “well this all sounds fantastic but where the hell am I going to find someone like this. You’re talking about fucking unicorns here Stu”. And you know what? You’re absolutely right. Girls with this quality are VERY thin on the ground.
But they are out there, I swear. And the best way to uncover them is by remembering this very simple principle: “like attracts like”.
Unfortunately, the vast majority of people on this planet expect other people to take responsibility for their feelings. And western culture, with it’s growing levels of “wokeness” and “progressiveness” communicates that “if I get butt-hurt then it’s YOUR responsibility to make me feel better”.
Getting slightly political for a minute, it’s one of the main reasons why you really can’t date someone who strongly identifies as a “feminist”, they have a victim mentality, they’re looking for someone else to blame for all the negative things that have happened in their life. And if you’re a woman, then what better way to remove the blame from yourself than to put it on something that is your polar opposite: the “evil patriarchy”.
So anyone who strongly identifies as a feminist can be pretty much ruled out, for the most part.
So then you might be thinking “well what about self development classes. Surely people who are into self development would’ve developed these skills…”
Well, that’s partly true but you have to remember that self development classes are where to find people BEGINNING to develop this quality. But it’s not a sure fire bet that you will find someone willing to put in the hard yards to develop their self awareness fully.
You’ve got to remember that the multi-billion dollar personal development industry, and I’m including personal trainers and life coaches into this, it has an EXTREMELY high attrition rate on both the coaching and client side.
For example, I am 1 of only about 4 of my graduating class of over 300 that is still operating in this industry in some way. Most of the people in my class have gone back to doing what they were doing before, their old IT or mining job they were doing before.
And on the flip side, if you’ve ever spoken to a person al trainer before, you’ll know that one of their biggest gripes about their work is the frustration that comes with clients who half arse everything and then expect to get results. It’s one thing that I personally had a really hard time with, I used to pour so much energy into trying to rescue people from themselves, until I accepted the fact that people need to participate in their own rescue. You can’t just want to be rescued. You have to work to be rescued.
“Well, what about psychologists?” They’re supposed to be the experts of the mind…”. Well It’s been my personal experience that psychologists are usually the most fucked up people on the planet. They’ve usually studied psychology to try and fix something within themselves. But a degree in psychology really just means you’ve taken the time to remember some statistics and shit. For example, they don’t teach how to meditate, they just each you what meditation is.
So, where do you go to meet these high quality girls?
Well, they’re actually all around you BUT, and this is going to be a bit of a harsh thing to say and I might get a bit of heat for this but, a lot of the reasons why girls with this quality are difficult to find for you right now is because you are invisible to one another.
You probably walked by a dozen girls with this trait this morning on your way to work, but she hasn’t recognised you because you don’t conduct yourself in a manner that befits someone who has mastered himself.
Perhaps you’re out of shape, perhaps you’re careers not working out, perhaps you don’t walk around with your head up. You don’t comport yourself like you’re the master of your domain in some way. High quality women look for the subtle signs that are broadcasted by high quality guys .
So, if you are one of these guys, what can you do to fix this? Because if you can get your shit sorted and develop your own ability to take responsibility for your feelings and actions, you’ll find there are plenty of women out there, as if by magic. And guess what, you don’t even have to go looking for them, they’ll just appear in your life.
Well, remember what I said before about “like attracting like? People who are into the same stuff do the same sort of stuff. And I can guarantee you that high quality women aren’t playing computer games in their basement, or getting drunk at bars and nightclubs on the weekend.
They’re not crying about why they can’t find a decent guy. They’re not complaining that there’s no good guys out there anymore. They’re out challenging themselves. They’re overcoming their fears, they’re natural go-getters. They believe in a world full of opportunities rather than limitations.
So, if you want to meet these kind of girls, then work on getting yourself into a state of feeling responsible and in control of how you feel and what you allow to happen to you. I guarantee that if you do this, girls with high levels of emotional self control will begin popping their heads up