So, this is a public warning message...
Today I want to tell you about a situation that you need to be really aware of when you’re dating older women, say perhaps over 30.
I don’t think anyone's actually covered this on YouTube and I can understand why because frankly it’s really friggin complicated to explain but I’m gonna give it a go anyway because I think if you’re a guy dating a woman who has been divorced or has gotten out of any long term relationship this is a potential situation that you’re going to have to deal with and it can really do your head in if you don’t have it on straight.
It tends to happen to women who have broken up with a husband, not just a boyfriend, so these women tend to generally be a bit older because they have to have been married.
It’s not a situation that generally occurs with younger people because younger women especially tend to generally feel like they have more romantic options than older women, they’re more romantically itinerant so they don’t get stuck in this kind of situation.
So this is what I’m going to call the sanctioned stalker.
This is when you have an ex-partner that continues to hang around and provide “support” to the woman after being rejected romantically, so the female has unilaterally decided to end the relationship, they’ve split up and they're living in separate houses, however, the woman continues to willingly accept the help and support from the ex-partner.
So he’s doing what the red pill calls “chore play”. He’s still fixing stuff around her house, mowing her lawn literally, helping get her groceries, real nice guy stuff…
And he’s doing it, very surreptitiously, to win her back.
This happens more than you think. And it can be quite difficult to spot.
Because it all sounds very nice on the surface, like "How lovely they’re still friends...".
However, this behaviour creates a situation where the woman is unable to move on properly and create new relationships with other men because it’s not a true friendship between the ex-partners. anyone observing their interactions can feel the strange vibe coming off them. Like they can tell the guy still wants her back….that sort of thing…
There’s a VERY covert contract going on here, which we’ll talk about later…
What’s going on here is that it’s actually a strategy the rejected partner uses to keep other guys away because what guy wants a relationship with a woman who still had the ex-partner hanging around?
But it’s hard to spot as a problem because usually, we think of problems with ex-partners as being overtly combative like they’re still at each other’s throats in divorce court or something.
But this situation looks on the surface like a perfect scenario. Everyone’s getting along, the ex-partner is probably even quite pleasant to you and shows you no malice.
This all sounds great!
But mark my words, that ex-partner's goal is to remove you from the equation. And he’s gonna do it by being the most useful, in-disposable person to her ex.
Trust me. If you let this happen, There won’t be any room for you in her life…
So, because of the constant attention that the ex is giving to the woman, she gets stuck in a limbo situation. Think of a monkey trying to swing from vine to vine. To move forward she has to grab on to the next vine (you) and let the previous one go. However, this monkey can’t let go of the last vine so she gets stuck. She can’t move forward and she can’t move back. She’s stuck trying to choose between two men.
As they say, threes a crowd…
It’s also definitely a case of “it takes two to tango”. I mean this is not a situation that can occur if a woman has the balls to potentially end up single for some time. A woman in this situation needs to have the agency to create boundaries in her relationship with her ex and be ok with potentially being alone. However, for some people, that’s easier said than done. And because of this, it tends to occur in previously codependent relationships.
It is like the woman initially has the best intentions to move on and makes a break for it, but then the guy becomes obsessed with his ex and can’t move on himself and keeps hanging around, and the woman can’t quite bring herself to create new boundaries with him because she fears burning her bridges with the guy.
Plus he’s being very useful…
So they’re both stuck and you really don’t want to get stuck in this relationship limbo fuckery with them.
When you think about it this is really no different to a typical stalker situation, the only difference is that it ostensibly feels more benevolent. But the strategy is the same as stalking.
Males have 2 main mate retention strategies: resource provision and cost infliction.
The first is pretty self-explanatory, you provide sufficient resources so the female wants to stick around. The latter is when the cost of leaving is so high that it becomes not worth it.
So as an example, think of the abusive husband who threatens to kill the wife if she tries to leave him.
Stalking is shown to work as a cost-inflicting strategy for mate retention as what other guy is going to stick around while there’s another guy in the picture? Most men with options aren’t going to risk physical harm during an altercation with a crazy ex. They’re just going to go and find a more available partner.
But this “sanctioned stalker” is such a strange tactic because it entails both strategies of mate retention.
The ex-partner continues to provide resources in the form of support to his ex-partner, therefore coming across as benevolent. “Oh, what a nice guy, helping out his ex-wife even though they broke up…”
However, this "resource provision" is just a front for the true strategy which is cost infliction. If he can create a situation whereby he becomes indisposable in her life or he does so much for her that she begins to believe she can’t do it without him, then She can’t leave she can’t kick him out of her life permanently with conviction.
But it inevitably creates a scenario whereby there’s no room for a new partner.
That’s the strategy!
She’s being smothered by the ex and any new guy would look at the situation and go
“You’re clearly not over your ex yet, I’m outta here...”.
The whole idea is to stop her from having other options so she believes her only option is to go back to the ex. Because nobody else seems to want her. Nobody else seems to stick around.
From her point of view, she experiences guys bailing on her and abandoning her and perhaps just using her for sex or a friends-with-benefits situation.
She takes this personally and creates a narrative that the only person who seems to be a constant in my life is my ex. He’s the only one who will always be there. She doesn’t understand, or more to the point refuses to accept that it is not her that the men are abandoning, it's the situation.
So yeah, this is a fucked up situation. Bottom line is, if she’s still hanging around her ex in any capacity other than logistics to help take care of kids or if their relationship seems to be anything other than child-centric, or revolving around the shared care of the children, you need to bail the fuck out immediately.
So if they’re going to parties together because they have mutual friends for example then that’s instant dismissal.
She’s not over her ex yet and she has porous boundaries and quite frankly fuck knows what the guy is capable of doing if you try to push him out. You just don’t want that kind of drama in your life.