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Wife Cuckolds Weak Husband – Conflict of Values & Cuckolding




Well, this is gonna be trigger central for a few people out there. But I think I’ve managed to find the biggest chump on the internet.


Gday folks I’m Stuart from communicate with confidence, offering coaching and dating and relationship advice for men, and blog is titled “Wife Cuckolds Weak Husband”. It relates to a post that I stumbled across in my travels. I’ll provide a link to the original post below in the description. But instead of just jumping on the bandwagon condemning the husband for being such a weak little bitch and demanding to know why he doesn’t just instantly kick her arse out the door, which is honestly just getting a little bit tedious to hear and read these days, I’m going to approach this scenario from the point of how to deal with the conflict of values that’s going through the husbands mind, and how he can begin to get clarity about what he needs to do going forward.


So first of all, lets clarify what a conflict of values is.


Well, there are mainly 5 different types of values conflict, however we’re going to focus on what’s best described as “Conscious Conflict".If you’d like more information regarding what the other 4 types are I’ll have more information in my blog below.


However, conscious conflict arises when you have two or more events that have values attached to them which are, for whatever reason, unable to fit together. For example, you’ve discovered corruption going on at work and you don’t know whether or not to speak up about it. If you say something, you’ll be living your value of honesty, but you may lose your job, or become a target, which is goes against your value of self-care. On the other hand, if you remain silent, you will keep your job, and avoid being a target, thus living your value of self-care, but you’ll be going against your value of being honest.


Now this is the Post.


My wife of 10 years, a stay at home mom (SAHM), developed chemistry with the father of my son’s buddy from school in November. He is a stay at home dad. I discovered the chemistry from their emails. She was really remorseful about it.


I recognized maybe I did not give her enough affection. So, I gave her more hugs and kisses, more affection. But she was still in her affair. I’d research articles from a Christian website to help her pull herself from affair. I continued to buy her flowers, gifts, chocolates, as usual.


I knew they exchanged emails 6 or 7 times a day, so I joined in the battle. I texted my wife jokes and updates from work, to win her back. That didn’t work. Then I told myself, maybe I should trust her and not get suspicious. So, I took the family (with 2 beautiful kids, 8 and 5) on vacations, twice, to help to reconcile, and many more outings during the summer. At home, I have always helped out with housework and I started doing homework with my elder son, hoping to lighten her workload at home.


That didn’t work neither. It actually developed into a full-blown affair with intimacy while I was trying to reconcile. I intercepted an email in November the year later, my wife said “I love you” to the OM. I talked to her immediately — “Do you remember the whose name it is engraved on your ring, and do you still remember this picture that we’re holding our son when he was first born in the hospital?” She replied “Of course, I do.” I hugged her and kissed her, asking her to come back to reality.


For the next few days, I knew they were dating, but I presumed they were talking about cutting off. So, I sympathetically asked my wife “Are you having a hard time?” and “What can I do to help?” Then the next day, I found another email — the OM claimed he had ordered a ring for my wife and my wife declared “…even if it’s a plain wedding band, I’ll still put it on…..you are the man I love and that’s not going to change….”


The affair developed deeper. In December, I asked my wife do you know what you’re doing, she said yes. Nothing changed. In late December, we had another talked, still no help. By then, they’re calling each other husband and wife, promising they’re going to look after each other til they get old.


In the following January, she asked me why am I being so suspicious and she suggested if we should separate. I told her I’d actually seen a divorce lawyer. She then broke down and cried and begged for forgiveness. She tried to be nice to me, returned gifts to the OM, told her parents her sin (edited version). After couple weeks, I gave in, I told her I’ll try to move forward but she need to cut off all contacts with the OM. I researched Disneyland packages for the family with her. Then after a few days, she tried to contact the OM again. They re-connected, again 4 to 5 emails per day. I discovered she had researched the address of a jewellery store several times. Then eventually, in March, I found this email my wife asked “Hey, what about our ring?” I was totally devastated. The switch for my love for my wife was turned off.


She knew she was busted again. This time, she was even more remorseful, started going to church, going to MC, trying even harder to please me. But my love and trust for her was gone. I told myself not to make any decision while I am emotional, so I waited. She claimed she has not been seeing or contacting the OM, maybe, I don’t know, since she disabled my technology. Plus, now she knows how I track her, she wouldn’t use the same method of communication anyway. One night, she was waving a bible in front of me claiming she is not thinking of the OM anymore. But in her calendar, she has marked down the birthday of the OM, and the date of Nov 26, 2027 where they’re promised to re-connect. I am convinced she is deeply in love with the OM and he will be in her heart forever.


I really want a divorce but she doesn’t want to. Also, the kids are very very attached to her because she is stay at home mom. My daughter cuddles in her bed every morning. Its heart breaking for me to see my daughter push me aside and goes to her mom when I try to tuck her in bed. The kids love to play with me, but when it comes to daily routines, they don’t want me. She wants to be with the kids 24/7, which means I have no private time with the kids.


So, what should I do? Should I suck it up for the kids? I don’t even want to talk to my wife now, how can I spend the rest of my life with her? Maybe you can help point out if I did anything wrong?


Andre


Original Post: https://www.chumplady.com/2013/08/dear-chump-lady-my-cheating-wife-is-a-sahm/


Now, I think it goes without saying that the guy is this post is a total chump. When he finds out his missus is cheating he instantly starts blaming himself for her actions, and buys her gifts and flowers for her and so she rewards him by fucking the other guy! He even took her on a couple of holidays, basically communicating to her “thank you for fucking that other guy. I really appreciate it when you completely emasculate me and turn me into a full-on cuckold!”


Cuckolding, or “cucking” for those who don’t know is when a man allows his partner to be unfaithful to him. For some guys it’s a fetish formed from the masochistic need to feel humiliated and rejected. They want their partner to cuckold them because they get off on it. However, some guys will put up with this behaviour from their wife or girlfriend because they feel like they have no other option.


In this case I really don’t think this guy has a fetish though. I’m pretty sure he’s feeling pretty damn humiliated and betrayed, and not in a good way.


Anyway, the website I pulled this article off has a really good breakdown of all the things this dude did wrong, so I don’t want to run over old ground here. Like I said, the point of this video wasn’t to jump on the bandwagon decrying this guy as a total pussy. I find that a tad boring and puerile.


But look, my quick thoughts are if your wife is being completely neglectful and you’ve tried to talk to her about how you’re feeling and all you’ve got back is a shitty attitude and her rewarding you for your efforts by fucking the other guy some more, well, you’ve gotta ask yourself why you’re sticking around? It takes two people to make a relationship work. If either person is not willing to put in at least 50% of the effort then it’s really time to call it quits. If I was in this situation, I would be like “fuck this bitch!”, go live with your boyfriend. He can spend his money taking care of you from now on! I think also this went on for far too long as it’s pretty clear that the OP is religious, and therefore trying everything to keep this shit show of a marriage together, even though it’s clear it’s completely broken. He seemed to be getting a lot of guidance from religious counselling, which has a tenancy to attempt to keep marriages together at all costs.


So, I’ve definitely seen my fair share of values conflicts in clients, this person clearly has a conflict of values. He values the sanctity of marriage on one hand, hence the reason he’s putting up with all this shit to try to keep his marriage together. However, he also values honesty and trustworthiness, hence his statement that the trust for her has gone because of her cheating. There is also the added conflict in his mind regarding bringing up his kids in a broken house and potentially losing contact with them, yet the feeling to get out of this marriage is growing inside of him.


So how does this guy begin to get through this road block?


Well let’s run through an example with a couple of his values. In this case I believe the underlying value behind his belief on the sanctity of marriage is patience and perseverance. About not giving up at the drop of a hat when things are a bit shitty. Let’s call this Value “A”. However, as he stated, he really wants a divorce now. So, you can call this new value of wanting a divorce value “B”. So, all this guy has to do in order to overcome this conflict of values is list all the ways getting a divorce, “value B” can help him have more of value “A”, which is patience and perseverance. Now to begin with, there feels like there’s no link between the two. But if you think deeper about the issue, there’s actually heaps of links, such as ·


If I get a divorce then I’ll be able to practice displaying patience and perseverance through the process, as at times it will become very stressful and I’ll be tempted to give in and go back to my marriage.


· If I get a divorce I get to work on improving myself using patience and perseverance, and ultimately get myself into an even better relationship.


Now this same exercise can be done with his value of honesty and trustworthiness. How can getting a divorce (value B) create more trustworthiness and honesty (value A) in his life? I think the answer to that one is pretty much a no brainer.


So, there you have it. I’ve run through this exercise many times with clients and it always gets a result. In order to integrate a new desired value into your life you need to link this new value with your old pre-existing values.


There are five different types of value conflicts.


1. Subconscious Denial: This is when you have knee-jerk reactions towards something related to truth, freedom or abundance and say “that’s not my cup of tea”. An example would be someone saying that being emotional or vulnerable is for weak people. Someone could also be progressing in a path of self-development and fall into anger and withdrawal when touching the topic of sexuality because she has been raped. It is an irrational reaction covered with a rational explanation to protect from a deeper pain that the person is not ready to accept.


Symptoms: “not my cup of tea”, knee-jerk reaction, anger, withdrawal.


2. Subconscious Avoidance: This is when something related to truth, freedom or abundance is in a blind spot and you never really pay attention to it. I cannot quote an example because those in that situation cannot talk about their blind spots. When facing an opportunity related to something they avoid, they don’t know how to process it, are just confused, can’t articulate what’s going on and will just walk back silently. An example would be someone who gets plenty of training on personal development and goals achievement but knows nothing about the meanings of “being”, “presence” and “authenticity.”


Symptoms: Confusion, silence, hearing crickets, withdrawal.


3. Valuing Outcome: This is when you value an outcome but not what’s required to make it happen. An example would be someone who want to lose weight but don’t want to exercise, or someone who values living a greater purpose but doesn’t value the actions required to make it happen. This causes procrastination and a lack of results. When in that zone, you can waste years following tons of training and proven systems and nothing will work.


Symptoms: Procrastination, lack of results, laziness, illusionary comfort.


4. Unconscious Conflict: This is when you consciously value two things without realizing they don’t quite fit together. For example, if you value integrity and spiritual alignment while your actions are purely based on logic, opportunities and contracts, you may use integrity and spiritual alignment as surface decoration without realizing they don’t quite fit with your foundation. This can cause all kinds of conflicts with the people around you which you’ll see as unavoidable. It also dilutes your power and effectiveness.


Symptoms: Lack of clarity, tiredness, friction, conflicts, diluted power and effectiveness.


5. Conscious Conflict: This is when you consciously value two things and know they don’t quite fit together. An example would be someone who has experience with stillness spirituality and also with force of life spirituality, values both and doesn’t quite know how to make these two worlds fit together. It is extremely common for spiritual people to not quite know how to integrate spirituality into their physical world. It can also happen if you get advice from a coach that conflicts with the knowledge you already have. The only ways to move past a conscious value conflict are to either find a higher truth where both perspectives are true or sacrifice (at least temporarily) one of the conflicting values.


Symptoms: Procrastination, stumbling block, wall, confusion, inaction, reflection, feeling torn in two directions.


Ref: https://www.spiritualselftransformation.com/blog/spirituality/science-of-spirituality/what-is-value-conflict/




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