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Banned From Reddit! - Guide To The Top 10 Divorce Lawyer Dirty Tricks

So, I didn't write this, but I thought I'd transcribe this over to my website for "posterity".

It's an interesting read for anyone currently going through the divorce machine:


I am not perfect, neither is this, but if you are married or getting a divorce, you need to know this stuff. I am not an attorney ( I have a heart and a brain) so consider this experienced opinion and not legal advice. Always consult a scumbag attorney so that they can get rich on your misery. I will add to this, as time allows, over the next few days. There are lots more than ten dirty tricks, but knowing these will give you an edge. I think ( I know women are lurking here) that if the other side knows we are wise to them, they may not be so apt to play these games. Good luck. These words are mine. If you repost this somewhere, OK, but use it in its entirety, please {remove the "bad" language if needed}. Time to shine a bright light on "cock" roaches (pun intended). Also, if there is an issue, or I miss one that you got screwed with, let me know. Thanks

Top Ten Tricks of Scumbags Known as Family Law Attorneys

First, a disclaimer. I am not an attorney. I am not rich. I think screwing my fellow human beings for money is wrong. I actually care about decisions that tear apart families and traumatize children forever. For that reason, and because I am a decent human being, this list is not a substitute for competent legal advice {whatever the hell that is}. Use this to benefit yourself, your male children, your brothers and friends at your own risk. Most state family law statutes are very similar and these tricks are common in every jurisdiction. Give this to your attorney or use it Pro Se. This way when he goes golfing with the exs lawyer to discuss the case, theyll talk about how its probably not best to screw with you. My apologies to the 1% of lawyers who are not lower than child molesters. Hasmat

1. The bankruptcy trick.

Here is how it works. In the property division portion of the trial, the wife and her life sucking leach will let you keep most of your stuff. You know, your classic cars and motorcycles, toys, property in your family for years, etc. {dont worry, shell throw out all the smaller mementos of your life, in violation of the temporary order, to make the math easier} In exchange, you have to pay the princess a cash settlement based on splitting all the bills due minus the assets each person takes. Sounds fair, right? Fuck NO! What happens is that, shortly after the divorce, pumpkin declares bankruptcy. Now guess who is responsible for ALL the bills. Yes, you. The nice part is that if you declare bankruptcy to get rid of those marital bills, your ex sweethearts cash payout is not subject to the bankruptcy proceedings. Your credit is now fucked and you will have to pay her the cash the judge promised her. They will seize property (including bank accounts), garnish wages, etc. in order to help out the former Mrs. X.

Solution: What you need to do is make sure that you put on the record, say to the judge during the trial, Your Honor, I stipulate to the property division as put forth by Ms. _______ ,and her counsel, with the following caveat: In the event that a party declares bankruptcy within ten years of the divorce, that party shall not be entitled to any cash settlement from the other and any payments made as part of a cash equalization payment shall be returned by order of the court. Then smile and shut up. If they pull this on you, you need to have this on the record. The judge can agree with this or not, her attorney will flip out that you are on to this trick and certainly protest. Let him make an ass of himself or herself. When they finish, simply state that to do otherwise is to open the door for a future civil case of unjust enrichment and I realize the court is busy and may not wish to reopen this matter, under relief from judgment statutes, at a later time.

2. The Magical Order trick.

Youll like this one. You go to court and get basically what you want, justice. Then a week or so later you get a copy of the proposed order. Well, holy shit, the order has things that were never discussed or ordered or has it just plain wrong. This is definitely NOT what the judge ordered. How did this mistake happen? It isnt a mistake. The other attorney knows that these things are usually rubber stamped by a judges secretary and they arent going through the transcripts to see if the lawyer accurately wrote down what the judge ordered. The judge has lots of cases to handle. In most cases, he will not remember, and will take the scumbag attorney at his word.

Solution:A week before the hearing, or trial, submit a request for audio recording of the action. If it is denied, and it is a one party consent state, tape the thing yourself secretly. Once they know you are on to this trick, by your request for a recorded hearing, they will be more careful when they word the order. When you get the proposed order, review it immediately. You generally have five days to object before it is made final. If it is wrong, make sure you object. If your objections are overruled, let them know that the audiotape I possess clearly shows the order is wrong. Threaten to contact your States attorney ethics board if you are being ignored. Be nice at first. Never lose your temper.

3. The Disappearing mail trick.

You can trust the one who agreed to better or worse, richer or poorer, sickness and health, right. No. You cant. You get something in the mail that says basically hey, you failed to show up for _______ (mediation, court hearing, required appointment, etc.). Since you didnt care enough to show, we bent you over the bench in effigy and ass raped you. Have a nice day and fuck off. You think well, I never got a notice of that. How could I get the ass rape letter and not the initial notice???? It just cant be. Sure it can. Little miss innocent simply knew when the original notice was mailed and had someone (bad boy, player, thug) intercept your mail. What? Thats not fair. Doesnt matter. What does matter is that she got a default judgment, or something else to her benefit, because you didnt show. And now the judge thinks you dont care. He will not likely believe someone tampered with your mail and you probably cannot prove it anyhow. And now he is pissed off at you.

Solution: Get a post office box. Send registered letters, return receipt requested, to the court, child support agency, exs attorney if she is represented (or her if she isnt yet) and EVERYBODY ELSE INVOLVED that formally notifies them of this change. Do not say why as it makes you look like a whiner. Just do it. Do it as soon as the action is filed. Check this PO Box every day.

4. Keeping your Stuff.

After the divorce is filed, (OK, lets be seriousafter she files) you will be served with a temporary order that bars removing personal property, hiding assets, harassing the other party, etc. If she violates this order and cleans out the house, which her attorney will advise her to do, you will probably never get your stuff back. If you do this to her, after you get served with the order, you will possibly be in trouble if they can prove it. It sucks to lose all the stuff you paid for and spent years getting, especially if the wife never helped and bitched about you having all that stuff. Never mind the bitch has four big boxes of new shoes in the garage that you paid for.

Solution: First, let me be clear, I do not advocate breaking the law. IF YOU ARE CAUGHT, you will get into more trouble (sometimes its worth it). However, it really sucks that life isnt always fair. Sucks for you AND sucks for her. Also, bear in mind, if she can prove that an asset was there and now is gone, it can be included in the property settlement if it disappeared in the YEAR before the divorce. So..Seriously guys.. Most of us knew, or should have known, the divorce was coming. If you are married, and clean out the house, BEFORE you get served, its yours. She will have to prove that you have all that stuff. Hard to value it for the property division if it isnt there. Use a friend you can trust and get a storage shed in his name and store YOUR stuff there. Get one a few miles away from where you live. Secure your documents (birth certificate(s), vehicle titles, insurance documents, etc) in a fire proof safe at a safe location. Her attorney will tell her to steal, oops I mean secure, them before the divorce. Do not give them the chance. Keep your mouth shut about this. If you are married, and less than 100% happy, realize you are on a slippery slope. Put your documents in a safe place NOW. The time, money and stress these missing documents will cause is staggering. Thats why they take them. In court, the phrase your honor, I do not have any of the items that they are referring to will be your friend.

5. Property values for the division

What will happen is that her attorney will assist her in placing a value on all of the property that will be divided. You lucky dog! Just think how much time this will save you. NOT! What they will do is assign a value to your stuff that is far in excess of what it is worth. Her stuff will, of course, be used junk (with a value of next to nothing). That heirloom diamond ring from her grandma is now cubic zirconium. The gold jewelry just gold plated. She may take crap jewelry to an appraiser to show proof to the judge. Shes likely had all your stuff appraised already. The result is that she gets money from value that they adjusted.

Solution: Save thousands. Make detailed lists of everything you both own. Return the favor. Everything you have is worthless crap and all her stuff is really, really nice. Use Ebay auction wins (only when its incredibly low) to show value of your stuff. Anything over $50, print it off for proof. Value all her stuff using new values, low miles, added accessories, etc. What will happen..99% of the time, the judge will simply pick a number halfway between yours and hers. After all, once he gets done screwing you, he has a golf game. Probably with her attorney.

6. Justice. Equality. Fairness.

Ha Ha. No. You wont likely see any of this. This is a myth to get you to participate. You are a slave to the government. They arent on your side, but hers. They are also on the side of the attorneys. Its all about the $$$$$. You get the justice you can afford. Judges do not have to follow the law. If they screw up, and they do often, you cannot sue them. The best you can do is appeal the decision. Its expensive, time consuming and, if your case is found to be flawed on appeal,.. All they do is to send it back to the original biased, corrupt and incompetent judge that ruled on it in the beginning. Its doubtful he has had a change of heart, suddenly saw the light, increased his intelligence or is thrilled that you got his higher ups to review him and find him wrong. He wont be happy to see you again. Remember, every dollar they collect in child support from you, they get a dollar from the bankrupt federal government. This money goes into the general fund. This is the same fund that pays judges salaries. Conflict of Interest? Sure it is. Anything you can do about it. Maybe, but doubtful.

What do they call the guy who got the lowest passing score on the bar exam? Your honor. Honor my ass.

Solution: The best one. Do not get married. Do not have kids. Ok. You really screwed up and got married or had kids. Now what? Relax. You are screwed, but getting an ulcer or heart attack only helps her. Keep your cool. The following is a way to minimize the damage.

Whatever you do, unless you know the judge personally AND HE LIKES YOU, file a substitution of judge motion. Her attorney picked the one that he thinks will get his client the best deal. You have the right to one judge substitution for any reason. Any judge, other than their hand picked one, will be better, or maybe less worse. After money, the biggest factor in play is getting the judge to like you. Dont try to kiss his ass. He will not be fooled and your tits arent big enough to interest him. Get a scumbag, er I mean lawyer, but explain to them what you expect. Explain to them that, if they plain suck, you will fire them. Cant afford an attorney? Thats part of their plan. Now you have to do it Pro Se. This is called screwing yourself, but may be all you have. I fired my attorney and did better than he did by far. No alimony, no child support (now), joint custody (50/50 placement) and I owe ten grand in the property settlement. It took years and cost her parents thousands. I was Pro Se well over 90% and that cost me lots of time and less than $100. Get good info from your state statutes. Write down your argument in legal briefs. Have this filed with the court and submit everything to the Judge, her attorney and all other parties in advance. Do your homework. Never lose your cool in court. Stand up for yourself. Do not allow yourself to be bullied or intimidated. That overpaid buffoon in the batman costume is a man just like you. Always answer the judge directly in short {well thought out}, precise, one sentence answers. Hold up your hand, not over your head (this isnt kindergarten) and wait for the judge to let you speak.

Avoid slang terminology. Do not read the judge the law when he is wrong. Instead refer him to the law on page ___ of your brief. Sit in on a bunch (as many as you can) of divorce cases in your county, preferably not with this judge, and see how things work. If the judge ignores the law, he loses jurisdiction, and his order is void. If he does this, point it out POLITELY. You will need to appeal. Do the best you can. Smile. It will make the judge wonder what you are up to.

One important tip if you have to go on your own. Dress nicely and shave. Fill the courtroom with your people. Friends, relatives, homeless guys at $5 per head or whatever are great, but admonish them to say nothing. Judges hate to screw people in public. It gives them a bad image. Give some of these people writing materials and have them take notes. It may give the judge the impression that the press or other dignitaries are there. There are books on divorce for men. Get to the library and read them. Practice speaking in public.

7. The Temporary Orders Trick

What happens is that cupcake and her lawyer try and convince you to take less than you should in one of the hearings for a temporary order. The problem is there really is no temporary order. Most temporary orders are extended and amount to the final order. Sometimes they will attempt to convince you that this will be in the best interests of the kid(s) or that, by playing nice, it will look better for you at the next hearing.

Solution: Do not fall for this Trojan Horse. You need to be fully aware of what will happen. This is the time that mom and her friends and relatives will use to brainwash and alienate the children. Her parents will lavish them with gifts and help them remember every incident of abuse, stress, fights, etc. that probably never happened. Best advice.. never budge an inch when it comes to your children and your own best interests. It will make you look weak. Sharks can smell blood very well.

8. The lie of Imputed Income

Imputed income is a legal term for fuck you, we guessed. What happens is that, in order to help spread your wealth to the ex, the court and her attorney will evaluate how much you make from tax documents and other sources. There are certain formulas the court must use in determining child support and alimony in each state. Legally, they must use these formulas. Realistically, they do whatever they want. One easy way to get around these formulas is to impute income to you. This means they give the judge a number and tell him this is how much you could or should make given your job, work history, location, experience, etc. Now, instead of paying 25% of $50,000 for support, you pay 25% of $100,000. In this example, t